The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Johnny

  • Little Johnny at Camp

    One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

    His teacher replies "NO"

    Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

    "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

    Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

    She again says "NO".

    "But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

    "Well I suppose it’s OK" replies the teacher.

    Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT’S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

    Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

  • Tragedy

    George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

    One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

    "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

    A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

    "I’m afraid not," the President said. "That’s what we would call a Great Loss."

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

    "That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"  asked the President.

    "Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…"

  • Productive Salesmanship

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

    They were very excited. Their weekend homework was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold biscuits and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success…”

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

    Eventually it was Little Johnny’s turn.

    The teacher held her breath as Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

    "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes?!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "Easy… I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip Stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing."

    "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

    “Then I would say, It is dog shit. Guess you’ll wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the Government’s strategy of giving them something shitty for free and then making them pay to get the taste out of their mouth."

  • Productive Salesmanship

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s  turn.

    The teacher held her breath…

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

  • Little Johnny and the new Baby

    Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.


    Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.

    Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

    The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie

    Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

    "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

    "That’s great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses".

  • Johnny and Jenny

    Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine"

    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

    Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we’ve been lucky so far…"

    Mr. Smith doesn’t think the little shit is adorable anymore.

  • Daddy and Aunt Jane

    Little Johnny saw his dad’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane……..".

    At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Dan used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."

    Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

  • Eggplant or Onion

    A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"

    Little Johnny replies, "An eggplant."

    "No, Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren’t you"

    "No, ma’am," Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

  • Give Me a Story with a Moral

    A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories. Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." 

    "And what is the moral to that story?" 

    "Don’t put all your eggs in one basket." 

    "Very good!" said the teacher. Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don’t count your chickens before they are hatched." 

    "That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next." 

    "Yes Ma’am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 

    "Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" 

    "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking."

  • Show and Tell

    The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something. 
    The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring? 
    "I brought a Walkman."
    "And what is it for?"
    "You can listen to music with it!"
    "That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
    "I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
    "Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!"
    "Yes, I did. It’s in the hall."
    So the entire class goes into the hallway. 
    "Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
    "It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
    "Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
    "He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!’