The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Johnny

  • The Stuttering Cat

    Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

    Johnny’s hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

    "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

    "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbours’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

  • The Hole

    Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a sizeable hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, the neighbour politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

    "My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."

    The neighbour was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?"

    Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s inside your fuckin’ cat."

  • The Pager

    Lil’ Johnny’s mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil’ Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she’s REALLY FAT."

    The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil’ Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

    After a minute or two, Lil’ Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

    At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

    Again after a couple of minutes Lil’ Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.

    Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line and then her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE’S BACKING UP!!!!"