The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: mouth

  • Close Shave

    A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

    The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"

    "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

  • An Irishman and a Chemist

    An Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
    He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
    "Could you taste this for me, please?"
    The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.
    "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
    "No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
    "Oh that’s a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tasted for sugar."

  • Reggie, Tank and the Two Elderly Ladies

    They told me the big black Lab’s name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I’d only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.
        
    But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn’t hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie’s advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn’t look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must’ve thought I did.

    But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

    See, Reggie and I didn’t really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

    I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let’s see if your previous owner has any advice."

    To Whomever Gets My Dog:

    Well, I can’t say that I’m happy you’re reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie’s new owner. I’m not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

    So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

    First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he’s part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. He hasn’t done it yet. Doesn’t matter where you throw them, he’ll bound after them, so be careful. Don’t do it by any roads.

    Next, the commands he’s learned. Reggie knows the obvious ones —"sit," "stay," "come," and "heel."

    He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody’s business.

    Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

    He’s up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don’t know how he knows when it’s time to go to the vet, but he knows.

    Finally, give him some time. It’s only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He’s gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn’t bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

    And that’s why I need to share one more bit of info with you… His name’s not Reggie. He’s a smart dog, he’ll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn’t bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this .. well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

    I told the shelter that they couldn’t make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could’ve left Tank with … and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter … in the "event" … to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he’d do it personally. And if you’re reading this, then he made good on his word.

    Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

    If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

    All right, that’s enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I’ll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

    Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight – every night – from me.

    Thank you,

    Paul Mallory

    I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

    I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
    "Hey, Tank," I said quietly

    The dog’s head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

    "C’mere boy."

    He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted; searching for the name he hadn’t heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

    His tail swished.

    I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.

    "It’s me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

    "So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

    "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"

    Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Good on you for lasting this long – great story, but I can understand you might be thinking, "That’s not Mirth!"

    So here you go:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don’t get mad at me….. I know we’ve been friends for a long time….. but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

  • The Head Nurse

    A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have  anything to do with him.


    The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I’m sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

    After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

    She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing…..

    After about 20 minutes, the man’s doctor came into the room. "What’s going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answered, "What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confessed… "Not with a Daffodil."

  • Prince Charles

    Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

    At the same street corner he passed, a hooker was standing there every day.

    He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.

    "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

    This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

    He’d yell back, "Five pounds!"

    One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realized she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his wife.

    As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.

    He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

    Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, yah cheap bastard!"

  • Fishing

    I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

    Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

    Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

    A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

  • Productive Salesmanship

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

    They were very excited. Their weekend homework was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold biscuits and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success…”

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

    Eventually it was Little Johnny’s turn.

    The teacher held her breath as Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

    "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes?!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "Easy… I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip Stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing."

    "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

    “Then I would say, It is dog shit. Guess you’ll wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the Government’s strategy of giving them something shitty for free and then making them pay to get the taste out of their mouth."

  • Productive Salesmanship

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s  turn.

    The teacher held her breath…

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

  • Advice for Women

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

    Do you suffer from shyness?

    Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

    Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

    You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

    Stop hiding and start living.

    Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

    Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

    WARNINGS:

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

    Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir…

  • Jesus’ Golf Shot

    Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"