Tag: mouth

  • Vet Students

    First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real, dead cow.

    They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, ‘In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.’

    As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

    ‘Go ahead and do the same thing,’ he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

    ‘The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.’

    ‘Now, learn to pay attention. Life’s tough, but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid!

  • Castaways

    A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

    Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

    He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

    Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night.

    Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.

    "What’s the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

    He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

    "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

    "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

    "Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better," she says.

    "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

    "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

    Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

    She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!"

  • A North Queenslander and his Crocodile

    A North Queenslander walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute.

    "Then he’ll open his mouth And I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile’s open mouth.

    The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.

    The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

    The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

    The man stood up again and made another offer. "I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try."

    A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

    A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up… "I’ll try it – Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

  • The Confessional

    A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

    "What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.

    "Well," the man starts, "I used the ‘F’-word today and I feel so terrible."

    "Why don’t you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.

    "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."

    "I’m a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"

    "No Father," said the man,

    "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

    "And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.

    "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

    "And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

    "No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."

    "Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.

    "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.

    The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you!!

  • Peanuts

    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?"

    The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law".

  • TequilaR

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about TequilaR.

    TequilaR is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. TequilaR can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of TequilaR almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with TequilaR.

    TequilaR may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use TequilaR. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

  • Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly

    Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

    Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

    Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read….

    NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

  • The Beer Scooter

    How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, "How on earth did I get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your home.

    The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

    The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.

    The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

    It is not cheap to run a Beer Scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out ‘How did I spend so much money?’.

    Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and that sore spot on your head.

    An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers the third question after a night out ‘What the hell happened?’

    With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Remove Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person’s REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a suitable period, usually aided by further consumption of alcohol.

    Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter’s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. This answers another question after a night out ‘What’s that awful taste in my mouth?’

    For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people’s garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruises on your shins.

    All much clearer now?

  • Everything You Wanted to Know About Flatulence But Were Afraid to Ask

    What makes flatulence stink?

    The odour of flatulence comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of flatulence. The more sulphur-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your flatulence will stink.

    Foods such as cauliflower and eggs are notorious for producing smelly flatulence, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky flatulence. ( Editor : what about turkey? ).

    Why are stinky flatulence generally warmer and quieter than regular flatulence?

    Most flatulence gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous flatulence, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odour, and don’t feel particularly warm.

    Another major source of flatulence gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

    How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

    On average, a person produces about half a litre of flatulence gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily flatulence. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical flatulence count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your flatulence. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you flatulate, and how much they smell.

    How long does it take flatulence gas to travel to someone else’s nose?

    Flatulence travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the flatulence particles, and the distance between the flatulence transmitter and the flatulence receiver.

    Flatulences also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the flatulence is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the flatulence is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the flatulence may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

    Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between flatulences and the time it starts to smell?

    Actually, the flatulence stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter’s nostrils. If flatulence could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

    Is it true that some people never flatulate?

    No, not if they’re alive. People even flatulate shortly after death.

    Do even movie stars flatulate?

    Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of flatulence gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men flatulate more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per flatulation than men do.

    Do men’s flatulence smell worse than women’s flatulence?

    Based on what I have experienced of women’s flatulence, all I can say is that I hope not..

    At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to flatulate?

    A gentleman is mostly likely to flatulate first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

    Why are beans so notorious for making people flatulate?

    Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious flatulence-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, ( editor : TURKEY!!!! ) and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog’s digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog’s bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

    What things other than diet can make a person flatulate more than usual?

    People who swallow a lot of air flatulate more than people who don’t. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will flatulate more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low- pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

    Is a flatulation really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

    No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a flatulation. Flatulations have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

    Is it harmful to hold in Flatulations?

    There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing flatulating at banquets out of concern for people’s health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining flatulence. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in flatulence. Flatulence will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in flatulence too much.

    How long would it be possible to not Flatulate?

    As I understand it, a captive flatulence can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from flatulating during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do flatulate voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from flatulence as long as you can stay awake!

    Do all people flatulate in their sleep?

    I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don’t think all people flatulate in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to flatulate when they’re awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

    Where do Flatulations go when you hold them in?

    How often have you held in a flatulation, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the flatulence has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the flatulence goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the flatulence is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such flatulence aren’t really lost, just delayed.

    How can one cover up a flatulation?

    There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of flatulence. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound… if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the flatulence. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a flatulence. CJT addresses the problem of flatulating loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your rear and it will muffle the flatulence; my friends and I call it the ‘Buff Muff’!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the flatulence as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

    Is it really possible to ignite flatulations?

    The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their flatulence got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don’t have a friend to light your flatulence for you. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

    Why is possible to burn flatulence?

    Flatulations burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Flatulations tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.

  • The Midget with the Speech Impediment

    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

    "That’s easy, he is a midget with a speech impediment."

    So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he is looking for a male or a female horse.

    "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

    "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"

    So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

    "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

    "Nithe earzth, can I see her mouf"?

    The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

    "Nithe mouf, can I see her twat"?

    Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?