The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: New Zealand

  • The Earthquake in Pakistan

    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan .
    Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
    The country is totally ruined, and the government doesn’t know where to start, with providing help to rebuild.
    The rest of the world is in shock.
    The USA is sending troops to help.
     
    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
    Latin American countries are sending supplies.
    New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
    The Asians are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
    Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
     
    Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements.

    God Bless Canadian generosity….

  • Two Cows

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
    No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of Euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies,
    cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive…

  • To the Citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
     
    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
     
    Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
     
    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
     
    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
     
    1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).
    ————————
    2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of  ‘-ize.’
    ——————-
    3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
    —————–
    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
    ———————-
    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
    ———————-
    6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
    ——————–
    7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
    ——————-
    8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
    ——————-
    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
    ———————
    10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
    ———————
    11. You will cease playing American football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
    ———————
    12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
    ——————–
    13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.
    —————–
    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
    —————
    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.
     
    God Save the Queen!

  • International Security Alerts

    Done this before, but it’s funny. OK?

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s Get The Bastards". They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
     
    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
     
    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade A Neighbour" and "Lose".
     
    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
     
    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
     
    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
     
    Canada, feeling sleepy and insulated, doesn’t have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security level  from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "We Hope Australia Will Come And Rescue Us".
     
    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She’ll Be Alright, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",  "I Think We’ll Need To Cancel the Barbie This Weekend" and "The Barbie Is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • International Security Levels

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Bastards." They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

    It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies ‘just in case’.

    Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

    And in the southern hemisphere …

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
    "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

    So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • Two Kiwi Beggars in Australia

    Bruce and Trevor are 2 Kiwi beggars.

    They beg in different areas of Bondi, Sydney.

    Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

    Trevor brings home a suitcase full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes,

    Lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

    Bruce says to Trevor ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?’

    Trevor says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say’?

    Bruce’s sign reads, ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.

    Trevor says ‘No wonder you only get $2 – $3.

    Bruce says… ‘So what does your sign say’?

    Trevor shows Bruce his sign ….

    It reads, ‘I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand.’

  • How It Is

    How it is…

    SOCIALISM

    You have 2 cows.

    You give one to your neighbour.

     

    COMMUNISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

     

    FASCISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

     

    NAZISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and shoots you.

     

    BUREAUCRATISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

     

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income.

     

    SURREALISM

    You have two giraffes.

    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

     

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

     

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

     

    THE ANDERSEN MODEL

    You have two cows.

    You shred them.

     

    A FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

     

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

     

    A GERMAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

     

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

    You decide to have lunch.

     

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You count them and learn you have five cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

     

    A SWISS CORPORATION

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

    You charge the owners for storing them.

     

    A CHINESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them.

    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

     

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You worship them.

     

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    Both are mad.

     

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

    You tell them that you have none.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

     

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

    You have two sheep.

    The one on the left looks very attractive.

  • Rugby World Cup Pre-Match Rituals

    Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

    The IRB Rugby World Cup 2006 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

    1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
    2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin’ at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents’ heads.
    3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
    4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
    5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. One member of the SA team will have moved to NZ/Oz/US/Can/UK (you choose), while a second one will be checking his door locks and "gat". The rest of the team will have torn the wiggly tin from the roof stadium and built a hut with it. A few, just a few will be eyeing up the tourists with a view to wealth redistribution.
    6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood! will make a film called ‘Saving No.8 Lyle’.
    7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
    8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
    9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
    10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
    11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose ! in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
    12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
    13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

     

  • Extract from The Latest Mills and Boon Novel

    This is what we are missing! With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures!

    We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

    We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

    Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my ear then whispered, ‘Baaa’ and rejoined the flock.

    This book can only be purchased in New Zealand.

  • The Australian Ventriloquist

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.

    Ventriloquist: "G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
    New Zealander: "The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?"
    Dog: "Doin’ alright."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Dog: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    New Zealander: look of disbelief
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how’s it going?"
    Horse: "Cool."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Horse: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How’s he treat you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
    New Zealander: total look of amazement
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    New Zealander: "THE SHEEP’S A LIAR."