The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: New Zealand

  • Ode to Australians

    WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we’re divided into many States.

    First, there’s Victoria, named after a queen who didn’t believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it’s liveable". At least that’s what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

    Next, there’s NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

    Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can’t seem to beat no matter how often they try.

    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

    Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It’s main claim to fame is that it doesn’t have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

    The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

    And there’s Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as it’s beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

    Oh yes and there’s Canberra. The least said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we’re whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she’ll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it’s about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

    We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who’s winning. And we’re the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

    We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

    You are, I am, we are, Australian.

  • Telecom Call Centre

    This is apparently a true story which happened in the Telecom Call Centre in Lower Hutt (just north of Wellington, New Zealand). The operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.

    The call went like this:

    Telecom: How may we help you?

    Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

    Telecom: Okay sir, and how can we help you with this?

    Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman but I never heard off her before. I need to trace these calls please.

    Telecom: Sir, I’m sorry but the bill won’t actually tell you the name of the person you’re calling, just their number.

    Customer: This one iss.

    Telecom: What phone do you have sir?

    Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

    Telecom: No sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

    Customer: An erection.

    After a moment’s silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued:

    Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

    Customer: For sure – E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.

    Another moment’s silence from Telecom and suddenly the penny dropped.

    Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

    Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A…R. Salulah.

    The end of the conversation was unfortunately reported.

  • The New Zealand Sailor

    I need your help… I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Whangarei and my brother-in-law is an Australian living in Gisborne. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland, for a living. My only brother is serving a life sentence in prison for murder. I am in love with a Thai prostitute who solicits around the Auckland wharves. She says she loves me, but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry just as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn’t bother her at all. When I get out of the Navy, we will open a day-care centre in Hamilton and get my two sisters to work there, to keep the business in the family.

    My problem is this. I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

  • The World’s Funniest Joke

    LONDON (Reuters) – After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world’s funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

    In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people’s offerings.

    More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

    "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

    Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

    People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

    PATIENT: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

    DOCTOR: "I’ve got some cream for that."

    Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

    TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

    HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

    TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"

    Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

    A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’

    "But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."’

    Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

    "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

    "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

    "The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."’

    Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

    "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

    And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

    "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

    "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    "The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

    "The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk."’

    The survey revealed other fun facts:

    — Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

    — If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

    — The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."

    Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

  • A New Zealander in Amsterdam

    Dave, a young New Zealand tourist on his first visit to Amsterdam, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

    Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, " No!" and quickly walks away. The Madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking young man has seemingly asked for something so outrageous that two of her prettiest girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that obviously only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

    Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn’t seem likely that at her stage of her career anything would surprise her.

    So the Madam sends her over to the young New Zealand client and watches for the response. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, PAL", smacks him across the face as hard as she can; and then literally runs away! The Madam is by now absolutely intrigued. She has seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management and believes she can remember a bit about what to do. She’s also sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this seemingly innocent looking man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she also sees the chance she can’t pass up to show off to her employees how good she used to be at what they now do under her supervision.

    So she goes over to Dave and says that she’s the best in the house and she, herself, is available. Her girls stop their entertaining and watch with great interest. She sits down with Dave and talks with him, spending the time to really discover more about the man within.. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and eventually she sits in his lap. And then Dave leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in New Zealand dollars?"

  • The Axis of Just As Evil

    ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

    Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

    Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

    "An Axis can’t have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

    THE AXIS PANDEMIC

    International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

    "That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

  • The Tasmanian Couple

    After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.

    He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    "4"
    "5"

    …at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in New Zealand and some southern states of the USA.

  • A Beautiful Deserted Island

    On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

    2 French men and 1 French woman

    2 German men and 1 German woman

    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

    2 English men and 1 English woman

    2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman

    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

    2 American men and 1 American woman

    2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman

    2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman

    2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

    One month later, the following things have occurred:

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

    The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

    The two American men are contemplating the virtues suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

    The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both ‘bloody wankers".

    Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

    The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

  • Half a Lettuce

    A man came into a shop and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back shop and said, "There is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce."

    As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

    The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager called the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

    Where are you from son?"

    The boy replied, "New Zealand sir."

    "You’re joking! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.

    The boy replied, "They’re all just whores and rugby players over there."

    My wife’s from New Zealand!!"

    The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"