Tag: women

  • Mexican Words of the Day

    Mexican words of the day

    1. *Cheese*
    The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
    Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

    2. *Mushroom*
    When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

    3. *Shoulder*
    My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I
    shoulder.

    4. * Texas *
    My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

    5. *Herpes*
    Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

    6. *July*
    Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

    7. *Rectum*
    I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

    8. *Chicken*
    I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

    9. *Wheelchair*
    We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

    10. *Chicken* *wing*
    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

    11. *Harassment*
    My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
    harassment nothing to me.

    12. *Bishop*
    My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

    13. *Body wash*
    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

    14. *Budweiser*
    That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

  • The Girls Night Out

    Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they approached the Bacardi Breezers with a little too much enthusiasm.

    Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with this. After the girls did their business, they continued on home.

    The next Day, one woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and Innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

    ‘These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.’

    ‘You think that’s bad’ said the other husband, ‘Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her butt that says: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you. ‘

  • A Jewish Wedding

    A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling.

    The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

    The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we’d like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

    "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

    "So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?"

    "No," answered the rabbi. "It’s forbidden."

    "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

    "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

    "What about different positions?" asks the man

    "No problem," says the rabbi "It’s a mitzvah!"

    "Woman on top?" the man asks.

    "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!"

    "Doggy style?"

    "Sure! Another mitzvah!"

    "On the kitchen table?"

    "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

    "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

    "You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!"

    "Can we do it standing up?"

    "No." says the rabbi."

    "Why not?" asks the man.

    "Could lead to dancing!"

  • The Sexual Urges of Men and Women

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… "You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That’s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don’t feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

  • Singing the Blues

    I’m not usually one for lists of this nature but this is a ripper…

    Understanding the Blues and or wanting to become an instant success is all about telling a story – if you can’t sing – that’s a plus. Now let’s get started on your new career (don’t forget to leave your sunny disposition as you prepare to be miserable:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning…"
    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
    3. Da Blues is simple to write. After you got the first line sounding right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes – sort of: "Got’s me a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I gots a me a good woman wid da meanest face in town..yes yes,…..Gots teeth like Margaret Thatcher —–and she weigh 500 pound."
    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t no way out.
    5. Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in no Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is provided by a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
    6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet ‘causin they ain’t even lived yet. Adult loosers sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
    7. Being Blue can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues and it could get terminal. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause you been skiing is not the Blues. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause a ‘gator be chomping on it is.
    9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster to git yo self in da mood.
    10. Good places for the Blues:
      a. highway
      b. jailhouse
      c. empty bed
      d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    11. Bad places for the Blues:
      a. Nordstrom’s
      b. gallery openings
      c. Ivy League institutions
      d. golf courses
    12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, it’s black as the Ace of Spades, and you slept in it.
    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? "Yes," if:
      a. you’re older than dirt
      b. you’re blind (real or rage)
      c. you shot a man in Memphis
      d. you can’t be satisfied

      "No," if:
      a. you have all your teeth
      b. you were once blind but now can see
      c. the man in Memphis lived
      d. you have a trust fund or a 401k

    14. Blues is not a matter of race or color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston might consider a career change. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
    15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues creating beverages are:
      a. cheap wine
      b. whiskey or bourbon
      c. muddy water
      d. black coffee

      The following are NOT Blues beverages:
      a. Perrier
      b. Chardonnay
      c. Snapple
      d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting bigger tits or liposuction.
    17. Some Blues names for women:
      a. Sadie
      b. Big Mama
      c. Bessie
      d. Fat River Dumpling
    18. Some Blues names for men:
      a. Joe
      b. Willie
      c. Little Willie
      d. Big Willie
    19. Women with names like Amber, Jennifer, or Heather, and men with names like Todd, Alastair or Biff can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    20. It doesn’t matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.
  • TequilaR

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about TequilaR.

    TequilaR is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. TequilaR can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of TequilaR almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with TequilaR.

    TequilaR may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use TequilaR. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

  • Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly

    Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

    Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

    Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read….

    NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

  • A Man on a Beach

    A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

    The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

    The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

    The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

    The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"

    The fellow said "No".

    She said, "You will be when the tide comes in.

  • Yet Another Date-Rape Drug

    Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

    Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

    "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

    A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

    Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on women whom they would never normally be attracted.

    After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

    At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

    Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

    Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

  • Everything You Wanted to Know About Flatulence But Were Afraid to Ask

    What makes flatulence stink?

    The odour of flatulence comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulphide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of flatulence. The more sulphur-rich your diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your flatulence will stink.

    Foods such as cauliflower and eggs are notorious for producing smelly flatulence, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky flatulence. ( Editor : what about turkey? ).

    Why are stinky flatulence generally warmer and quieter than regular flatulence?

    Most flatulence gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous flatulence, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odour, and don’t feel particularly warm.

    Another major source of flatulence gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a by-product as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.

    How much gas does a normal person pass per day?

    On average, a person produces about half a litre of flatulence gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily flatulence. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical flatulence count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your flatulence. You might make a note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you flatulate, and how much they smell.

    How long does it take flatulence gas to travel to someone else’s nose?

    Flatulence travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the flatulence particles, and the distance between the flatulence transmitter and the flatulence receiver.

    Flatulences also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the flatulence is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the flatulence is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the flatulence may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.

    Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between flatulences and the time it starts to smell?

    Actually, the flatulence stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odour to travel to the farter’s nostrils. If flatulence could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.

    Is it true that some people never flatulate?

    No, not if they’re alive. People even flatulate shortly after death.

    Do even movie stars flatulate?

    Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of flatulence gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men flatulate more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per flatulation than men do.

    Do men’s flatulence smell worse than women’s flatulence?

    Based on what I have experienced of women’s flatulence, all I can say is that I hope not..

    At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to flatulate?

    A gentleman is mostly likely to flatulate first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.

    Why are beans so notorious for making people flatulate?

    Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious flatulence-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, ( editor : TURKEY!!!! ) and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog’s digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog’s bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.

    What things other than diet can make a person flatulate more than usual?

    People who swallow a lot of air flatulate more than people who don’t. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will flatulate more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low- pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence.

    Is a flatulation really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?

    No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a flatulation. Flatulations have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps.

    Is it harmful to hold in Flatulations?

    There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing flatulating at banquets out of concern for people’s health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining flatulence. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in flatulence. Flatulence will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel could result if a person holds in flatulence too much.

    How long would it be possible to not Flatulate?

    As I understand it, a captive flatulence can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from flatulating during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do flatulate voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from flatulence as long as you can stay awake!

    Do all people flatulate in their sleep?

    I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don’t think all people flatulate in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to flatulate when they’re awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.

    Where do Flatulations go when you hold them in?

    How often have you held in a flatulation, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the flatulence has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the flatulence goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the flatulence is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such flatulence aren’t really lost, just delayed.

    How can one cover up a flatulation?

    There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odour of flatulence. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound… if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the flatulence. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a flatulence. CJT addresses the problem of flatulating loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your rear and it will muffle the flatulence; my friends and I call it the ‘Buff Muff’!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the flatulence as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.

    Is it really possible to ignite flatulations?

    The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their flatulence got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don’t have a friend to light your flatulence for you. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.

    Why is possible to burn flatulence?

    Flatulations burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Flatulations tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.