The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: women

  • Twins

    Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

    He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she’d like to do.

    She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone."

    So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

    A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris’ apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let’s stop up and see that guy."

    The other girl says, "Gee, do you think he’ll remember us?"

  • Triplets

    A women was pregnant with triplets. Anyway one day she goes into this bank. The bank is being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her belly!! Luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor. He says her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out, so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MUM, MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" so the mother tells her the story. The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" The next day the son comes out and says "MUM, MUM!" She goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" He replies, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

  • Rules for Men

    I’m not usually taken by these lists, but this one is an exception…

    Men

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
    20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
      "Yeah, baby, push it!"
      "C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
      "Another set and we can hit the showers."
      "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

  • The Frog in the Trap

    Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes – that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

    The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, *POOF*, she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

    So, *POOF*, she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I’d like a mild heart attack."

  • Two Blonde Genies

    A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. He feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods, and it’s the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

  • A Large Wooden Horse

    WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
    IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD
    IT!!!! IT IS EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE AND WILL OVERWRITE YOUR ENTIRE CITY!
    The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
    FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
    Poseidon
    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
    FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
    TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
    Laocoon,
    I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tip-offs that this is a hoax:
    1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phoenicians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
    2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
    3) It’s signed "from Poseidon." Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
    4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
    Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
    Bye now,
    Hector

  • Archaeology in Jerusalem

    A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were: 

    1. A Woman 
    2. A Donkey 
    3. A Shovel 
    4. A Fish 
    5. A Star of David. 

    After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 

    1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 
    2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 
    3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 
    4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 
    5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. 

      A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said… I’m sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it really reads… Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman.

  • The Ventriloquist

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!"

    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little fucker on your knee!"

  • The Cowboy and the Lesbian

    An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink.

    As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

    After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    To which he replied, "Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am."

    After a short while, he asked her what she was.

    She replied, "I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women."

    A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

    A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.

  • How Many Women with PMS Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

    One.

    ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

    Because no-one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb, that’s why.

    They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS! Before they figured it OUT!. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

    But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!!AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS……..