A man went up to the barman and ordered a drink. With his drink, the barman gave him a bowl of peanuts, and from the bowl of peanuts the man heard a voice say, "I think you look great." But the man just ignored it. Then the man went over to the cigarette machine, put his money in and got nothing out. He heard a voice from the machine say, "I have never seen such an ugly face." At this point, the man was confused, so he told the barman about the voices, and the barman said, "The bowl of peanuts was complimentary, but the cigarette machine is just out of order."
Author: Grime
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Christmas
We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
Really, we had turkey !Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan !Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
My pop is bigger than yours !Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed !What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.What’s a good holiday tip?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?
On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claus!What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it "soots" him!How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. -
The Cowboy and the Cashier
Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please.
Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?
Cowboy: Nah… she ain’t that ugly!!
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Dalton McGuinty’s Chauffeur
Dalton McGuinty was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. McGuinty says to the chauffeur: ‘You get out and check, you were driving.’
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
‘You were driving; go and tell the farmer,’ says McGuinty.
Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
‘My god, what happened to you?’ asks McGuinty.
The chauffeur replies: ‘When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.’
‘What on earth did you say to them?’ asks McGuinty.
‘I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, ‘I’m Dalton McGuinty’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the jackass"
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The Little Greek Village
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The tavern owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The prostitute then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies & Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.
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Back in My Day
Back in my day, my Mum would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I’d come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and a dozen eggs.
You can’t do that now.
Too many fucking security cameras.
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Truck Stop Cafe
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running boards."The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is? An auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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Profane Parrot
An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn’t be a problem, that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It’s goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! The next day, she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner offered the following solution, "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder." So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure enough,just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It’s goddamned cold in here!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times, and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fucking windy too!"
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Teacher
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
(Love it!!!)
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: OK… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
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Jet Fuel
One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored.
Jim spoke up, "Man I really need a drink!"
"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk."
Dave said.
"Really?" said Jim.
"That’s what I heard. Wanna try it?"
"Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!"So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. "Wow!" He said.
About that time Jim’s telephone rang… "Hello?"
"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"
"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"
"Me too, but I have one question for you."
"Sure, what is it"
"Have you farted yet?"
"Ummmmm No. Why?"
"DON’T. I’m in Phoenix!"