Author: Grime

  • Reggie, Tank and the Two Elderly Ladies

    They told me the big black Lab’s name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I’d only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.
        
    But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn’t hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie’s advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn’t look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must’ve thought I did.

    But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

    See, Reggie and I didn’t really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

    I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let’s see if your previous owner has any advice."

    To Whomever Gets My Dog:

    Well, I can’t say that I’m happy you’re reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie’s new owner. I’m not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

    So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

    First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he’s part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. He hasn’t done it yet. Doesn’t matter where you throw them, he’ll bound after them, so be careful. Don’t do it by any roads.

    Next, the commands he’s learned. Reggie knows the obvious ones —"sit," "stay," "come," and "heel."

    He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody’s business.

    Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

    He’s up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don’t know how he knows when it’s time to go to the vet, but he knows.

    Finally, give him some time. It’s only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He’s gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn’t bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

    And that’s why I need to share one more bit of info with you… His name’s not Reggie. He’s a smart dog, he’ll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn’t bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this .. well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

    I told the shelter that they couldn’t make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could’ve left Tank with … and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter … in the "event" … to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he’d do it personally. And if you’re reading this, then he made good on his word.

    Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

    If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

    All right, that’s enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I’ll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

    Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight – every night – from me.

    Thank you,

    Paul Mallory

    I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

    I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
    "Hey, Tank," I said quietly

    The dog’s head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

    "C’mere boy."

    He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted; searching for the name he hadn’t heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

    His tail swished.

    I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.

    "It’s me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

    "So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

    "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"

    Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Good on you for lasting this long – great story, but I can understand you might be thinking, "That’s not Mirth!"

    So here you go:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don’t get mad at me….. I know we’ve been friends for a long time….. but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

  • The Pervert

    The phone rings, and the wife answers.

    A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."
    The woman replies, "Yes, he’s watching TV – who shall I say is calling?"

  • Indians

    One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

    When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

    The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

    So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

    Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

    The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!"

    The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

  • Yet Another Diagnostic Computer

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

    Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

  • The Head Nurse

    A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have  anything to do with him.


    The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I’m sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

    After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

    She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing…..

    After about 20 minutes, the man’s doctor came into the room. "What’s going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answered, "What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confessed… "Not with a Daffodil."

  • Prince Charles

    Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

    At the same street corner he passed, a hooker was standing there every day.

    He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout.

    "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

    This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"

    He’d yell back, "Five pounds!"

    One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realized she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his wife.

    As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood.

    He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

    Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, yah cheap bastard!"

  • Two Cows

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
    You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
    No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of Euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies,
    cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive…

  • Shipwrecked Lawyers

    The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

    One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind."

    But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

    One said to the other, "You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It’s been such a long, long time….So .. Do you think we should… well… You know… Screw her?"

    "Out of what?" asked the other lawyer.

  • Three Vampires

    Three vampires are sitting at a bar. The bartender asks the first one what he wants.

    "I think I’ll have a glass of blood."

    "Okay, what’ll you have?" he asks the second vampire.

    "That sounds good. I’ll have a glass of blood too."

    "And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire.

    "I’ll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire.

    "Okay," said the bartender, "That’s two bloods and a blood light, then."

  • The Ugly Baby

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!"

    The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

    The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead. I’ll hold your monkey for you."