The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The Flight Attendant

    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said….

    ‘Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.’ On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground…’

    She calmly turned her head and said, ‘In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.’

    To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, ‘Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch’

  • The Motorcyclist

    One bitterly cold winter’s day, a policeman on patrol came across a motorcyclist who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the side of the road.

    "What’s the matter?", asked the policeman.

    "Carburettor’s frozen", came the terse reply.

    "Piss on it. That’ll thaw it out".

    "I can’t".

    "OK. Watch and I’ll show you".

    The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised. The bike started and the rider rode off waving.

    A few days later, the chief constable received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began, "On behalf of my daughter who was recently stranded…".

  • Bob and Betty Hill

    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… As it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I’m sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

    Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

    After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

    Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

    He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!… The Hills are alive, with the sound of music !"

  • Big-People Words

    A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
    You need to use ‘Big People’ words, she was always reminding them.

    She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
    ‘I went to visit my Nana’.
    No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
    Use ‘Big People’ words!’

    She then asked Mitchell what he had done
    ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’.
    She said, ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
    You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.

    She then asked little Alex what he had done?
    ‘I read a book’ he replied.
    That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said.
    ‘What book did you read?’
    Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, ‘Winnie the SHIT’.

  • Will You Marry Me?

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl ‘Will you marry me?’  The girl said, ‘NO!’  And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting, snowboarding, kayaking and played golf a lot and drank beer and wine and went to stripper bars a lot and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

  • A Man Watching TV

    A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife’s
    voice from the kitchen.

    "What would you like for dinner, love?  Chicken, beef or lamb?"

    He said, "I’d love chicken, thank you."

    She replied, "Screw you. You’re having soup.. I was talking to the cat."

  • The Undertaker

    Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

    "What happened to you?" asked his wife.

    "I had a terrible day." replied Roy . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn’t get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

    "I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

    Roy replied: "Wrong room.."

  • International Security Levels

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s get the Bastards." They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

    It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies ‘just in case’.

    Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

    And in the southern hemisphere …

    New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

    Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She’ll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
    "Crikey!’, "I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

    So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • Jesus’ Golf Shot

    Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

  • Emo Phillips on Christianity

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don’t do it!"

    "Why shouldn’t I?" he said.

    "Well, there’s so much to live for!"

    "Like what?"

    "Well… are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

    "Christian."

    "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ?"

    "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

    "Baptist"

    "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

    "Baptist Church of God!"

    "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"

    "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

    "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

    He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

    I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)