The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The Radio

    This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal’s office in West Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

    This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today

    Dear Lions Bay School ,

    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

    My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

    The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

    She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

    Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

    God bless you all.

    Sincerely,

    Edna

  • The Fertilized Egg Business

    John was in the fertilized egg business.

    He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

    He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the  "No Bell Piece Prize,"  but they also awarded him the  "Pulletsurprise"  as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.   Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

    Vote carefully on August 21, the bells are not always audible.

  • A Crusty Old Marine Sargeant Major

    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man".

    "Is something bothering you?"

    "Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature."

    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action?"

    "Yes, ma’am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his very serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

    "1955," he replied.

    "Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it’s only 2130 now."

  • Bored?

    Things you can do with absolutely nothing…

    Push your eyes for interesting light show:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

    See how long you can hold your breath:
    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

    Try to not think about polar bears:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

    Scratch yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

    Hurt yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

    Try to swallow your tongue:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

    Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

    Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

    Things you can do with very little:

    See what’s in your neighbour’s trash:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

    Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

    Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.

    Make prank phone calls:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember – vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald’s, try to make reservations.

    Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

    Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and… AHHHHHH!!!!!

    Burn things with a magnifying glass:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

    Things you can do with another person:

    Have a water drinking contest:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won’t feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

    Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I’m being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment–does this really work?

    Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

    Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2′ high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It’s never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    Pull out a hair, stick in someone’s ear:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can’t blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

    Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person’s neck:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you’re not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

  • The Bicycle Accident

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. 

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.  "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.  "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. 

    The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, "I’m Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

  • The Full Bus

    A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man

    As he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’

    The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’

  • Three Comedians

    Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

    "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up.

    "Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.

    Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?"

    "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…"

  • Gifts for the Teacher

    On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

    The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

    The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

    Then the liquor-store  owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box.

    The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was  leaking a little bit..

    She touched a drop of the  liquid with her finger and tasted it.

    "Is it wine?"  she guessed.

    "No," the boy replied.

    She tasted  another drop and asked, "Champagne ?"

    "No,"  said the little boy………….."It’s a  puppy!"

  • Productive Salesmanship

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s  turn.

    The teacher held her breath…

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

  • Advice for Women

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

    Do you suffer from shyness?

    Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

    Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

    You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

    Stop hiding and start living.

    Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

    Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

    WARNINGS:

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    * The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

    Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir…