The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The Fastest Gun in the West

    A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

    The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot…’Could you give me some tips?’ he asked.

    The old man said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high – tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’

    ‘Sure will’.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    ‘That’s terrific!’ said the cowboy. ‘Got any more tips?’

    ‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

    ‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’

    The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’

    ‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.

    ‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.

  • A Sign of the Times

    He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

    Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

    This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say … "Okay, ma’am," said a voice. "All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

    "You can board your flight now." 

  • The Weather in South Dakota

    It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold  or mild.
    Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
    But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
    ‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
    So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
    A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ 
    ‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
    The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
    Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
    ‘Absolutely,’ the man replied.  ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
    ‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
    The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood’

  • Having a Bath in Minnesota

    A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

    "Monday‘s the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.
     
    After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
     
    She was surprised to see that the young lass didn’t have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I’ll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"
     
    The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"
     
    "No," replied the girl, "I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"
     
    "Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl hers.
     
    After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"
     
    "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
     
    "Why not?" she said, "You’ve seen it before."
     
    "I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn’t!"

  • The Stowaway

    A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing  herself from the Harbour Bridge .

    She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid  water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the  Bridge crying.

    He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live  for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my  ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy."

    The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to  lose?"

    Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a  lifeboat.

    From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a  piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until  dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was  discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain  asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who’s stowed me  away", she explained, "I get food and free passage to  Europe , and he’s screwing me."

    ”He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly  Ferry."

  • International Security Alerts

    Done this before, but it’s funny. OK?

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

    The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let’s Get The Bastards". They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

    The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
     
    Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
     
    The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade A Neighbour" and "Lose".
     
    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
     
    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
     
    Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
     
    Canada, feeling sleepy and insulated, doesn’t have any alert levels.

    New Zealand has raised its security level  from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "We Hope Australia Will Come And Rescue Us".
     
    Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She’ll Be Alright, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",  "I Think We’ll Need To Cancel the Barbie This Weekend" and "The Barbie Is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

  • A Pub in Glasgow

    "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink."

    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat’s nothin’," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

    “Did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

  • President Obama in London

    As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

    They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

    Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

    The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets… I  am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

    Obama, always trying to be "Presidential", replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought… Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

  • An Out of Work Mime

    One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

    He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

    So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

    At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

    The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

  • The Tough Looking Biker

    A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite some time when he finally decided it was time, once again to hit the road. He stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that his bike had vanished from the spot he had parked it.

    "All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I’m going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn’t back up front by the time I’m done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"

    With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him.

    "Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"

    The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"