The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Patrick

    Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.  When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
     
    The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it … your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
     
    Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin .  When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
     
    The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
     
    Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.  One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.   All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
     
    When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
     
    Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!  Tis me …. I’ve given up drinking for Lent.

  • A Real Woman

    A real woman is a man’s best friend.
    She will never stand him up and never let him down.
    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
    She will make sure he always feels as though he’s the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible…
     
    No wait… Sorry… I’m thinking of beer.
    That’s what beer does…

    Never mind.

  • Viagra Slogans

    The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.  The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

    About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

    10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

    9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

    8. Viagra, like a rock !

    7. Viagra, This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

    6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

    5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

    4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

    2. Viagra, We bring Good things to Life!

    And the unanimous number one slogan:

    1. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

  • Really?

    Dear Noah,

    We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

    Sincerely, Unicorns

     

    Dear Twilight fans,

    Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

    Enjoy fantasizing about that.

    Sincerely, Logic

     

    Dear Icebergs,

    Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.

    Sincerely, The Titanic

     

    Dear J.K. Rowling,

    Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

    Sincerely, Anonymous

     

    Dear America,

    You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

    Sincerely, Canada

     

    Dear Boyfriend,

    I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

    Sincerely, Spiders

     

    Dear Voldemort,

    So they screwed up your nose too?

    Sincerely, Michael Jackson

     

    Dear Yahoo,

    I’ve never heard anyone say, "I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…" just saying…

    Sincerely, Google

     

    Dear girls who have been dumped,

    There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.

    Sincerely, BP

     

    Dear 2010,

    So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

    Sincerely, 1985

     

    Dear Justin Bieber,

    Ariel would really love her voice back.

    Sincerely, King Triton

     

    Dear Rose,

    There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

    Sincerely, Jack

     

    Dear Windshield Wipers,

    Can’t touch this.

    Sincerely, That Little Triangle

     

    Dear Taylor Swift,

    If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

    Sincerely, Shakespeare

     

    Dear Soccer Fans,

    B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

     Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

    Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

     

    Dear Saturn,

    I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

    Sincerely, God

     

    Dear Rubik’s Cube,

    Done!

    Sincerely, Colorblind

     

    Dear Santa,

    Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho’s.

    Sincerely, Tiger Woods

     

    Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

    I. Can’t. Breathe.

    Sincerely, Your Balls

     

    Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

    I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?

    Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

     

    Dear Sleeping Beauty,

    I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

    All you had to do was wake up.

    Sincerely, Mulan

     

    Dear Romeo,

    My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking…

    Sincerely, Juliet

     

    Dear Fox News,

    So far, no news about foxes.

    Sincerely, Unimpressed

     

    Dear Sex Educators,

    Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

    Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

     

    Dear Toaster,

    Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

    Sincerely, Toast

     

    Dear Edward,

    I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

    Sincerely, a stake

     

    Dear Prince Charming,

    You’ve got some explaining to do!

    Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

  • A Revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM)

    A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

    Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here’s the TRUE story…

    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

    And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her – as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for
    sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

    It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

    But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted – for insider trading.

    And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

    They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

    And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land and indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

    And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

    And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

    "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

    Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

    It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

    And that is how it all began.

  • A Tourist Visiting Dallas

    While sightseeing, a tourist visiting Dallas, Texas came upon a wild dog attacking a little girl. He swiftly caught the animal and strangled it with his bare hands.

    A reporter who witnessed the event applauded the tourist’s actions and told him the newspaper headline of the next day would be, "Courageous Hometown Man Rescues Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

    The brave man told the reporter that he wasn’t from Dallas.

    "All right, then," the reporter said, "the headline will most likely read, ‘Brave Texas Man Rescues Child by Killing Dog’."

    "As a matter of fact," the man replied, "I am not from Texas but from Vermont."

    "Well, in that case," the reporter replied huffily, "the headline will say, ‘Thoughtless Yankee Slays Beloved Family Pet’."

  • Joe and the Dishes

    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
     
    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
     
    He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
     
    ‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.’
     
    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
     
    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
     
    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’
     
    ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person to say anything at all during the meal has to do the dishes.’
     
    ‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
     
    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
     
    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
     
    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
     
    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
     
    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
     
    No one says a word.
     
    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
     
    Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
     
    He looks at her mom..
     
    ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks.

    So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
     
    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

    But still, Total silence.
     
    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to pour rain.
     
    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
     
    Suddenly the father shouted….

    ‘Okay, OKAY!!! I’ll do the fucking dishes!!!

  • Viagra

    A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

    He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra," he says. "It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

    At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something. "How  about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

    He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

    Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
     
    He declines again. "No," he says, "it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry."

    "Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving."

  • The Lady and the Parrot

    A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

    The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

    She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

    The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

    "Yes?"

    "You know."

  • God and Adam

    God said to Adam, ‘I want you to do something for me.’

    Adam said, ‘Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?’

    God said, ‘Go down Into that valley.’

    Adam said, ‘What’s a valley?’

    God explained it to Him.  Then God said, ‘Cross the river.’

    Adam said, ‘What’s a river?’

    God explained that To him, and then said, ‘Go over to the hill….’

    Adam said, ‘What is a hill?’

    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

    He told Adam, ‘On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.’

    Adam said, ‘What’s a cave?’

    After God explained, He said, ‘In the cave you will find a woman.’ 

    Adam said, ‘What’s a woman?’

    So God explained that to him, too.

    Then, God said, ‘I Want you to reproduce.’

    Adam said, ‘How do I do that?’

    God first said (under His breath), ‘Geez…’, and then, just like everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

    So, Adam goes down Into the valley, crosses the river, goes over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

    Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

    God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, ‘What is it now?’

    And Adam said…

    ‘What’s a headache???’