The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Father and Young Son

    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

    He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

    The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

    The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.

    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly… tighter and tighter !!!

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

    "No", the woman replied. "I’m with the Tax Department."

  • Calling In Sick

    Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.

    No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying.

    On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating.

    I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

    By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

    The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

    Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

    Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

    "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

    "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

    "But I’m scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C’mon, it’ll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

    It is the last action I remember performing.

    It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

    No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.

    It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

    She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

    And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

    I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

    Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.

    Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

    I know this from experience.

    I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

    When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

    Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

    Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter……and not succeeding.

    Somehow I lived through it all.

    A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

    I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What’s the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

    If they only knew!

    Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

  • French Toast

    Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

  • “I Love You” in 10 Languages

    English
    I Love You

    Spanish
    Te Amo

    French
    Je T’aime

    German
    Ich Liebe Dich

    Japanese
    Ai Shite Imasu

    Italian
    Ti Amo

    Chinese
    Wo Ai Ni

    Swedish
    Jag Alskar Dig

    Lithuanian
    As Tave Meliu

    Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta
    Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

  • Muslim Union Cuts Benefits for Martyrs…

    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to receive in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
     
    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
     
    The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
     
    Speaking from his luxury suite in Las Vegas, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off.  I don’t like cutting benefits, but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up."
     
    Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, the entire Australian continent, California, and New York stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
     
    According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

  • Coach of the 9-yr Olds

    At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is?  What a team is?’

    The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

    ‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’

    The little boy nodded yes.

    ‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?’

    Again the little boy nodded.

    He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb asshole’ is it?’

    Again the little boy nodded.

    ‘Good,’ said the coach. ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.’

  • Dyslexia

    I found my dyslexic mate covering his penis with black boot polish in the early hours of Sunday morning.

    I said, “You idiot – you’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

  • Software Engineer Logic

    A wife asked her husband, who was a software engineer, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one litre of milk – and if they have eggs, get six.”

    A short time later her husband came back with six litres of milk. His wife asked, “Why the hell did you get six litres of milk?”

    He replied, “Because they had eggs.”

  • I’m Divorcing Jeff!

    A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I’m divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex, and my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

    Her mother says, "You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

  • Thw Windshields of Airliners

    Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

    British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.  Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

    When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof  shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control  console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

    The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

    You’re gonna love this . .. …

    NASA responded with a one-line memo:

    "Defrost the chicken."