The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Sister Magdalene

    It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

    "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I’ve been saved."

    "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

    "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

    "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

    Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

    "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

    "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

    "That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years."

  • The Jewish Samurai

    There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

    A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

    The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

    The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai – to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

    Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

    The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that little gnat not dead?"

    The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

  • Murphy at Mass

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

    Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.

    I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday.

    I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church.

    So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"

    Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat."

    The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

    Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.

  • The Rectum Stretcher

    While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

    The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked "What’s your hurry?"

    To which she replied, "I’m late for work."

    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    "I’m a rectum stretcher," she responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.."

    Traffic Ticket $95.00

    Court Costs. $45.00

    The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS

  • The Blondes and the Texas Highway Patrol

    Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

    The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y’all want to be cops, huh?"

    The blondes all nodded.

    The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

    Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

    So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

    "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

    The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

    The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!"

    The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

    The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

    "Yes! He only has one ear!"

    The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!"

    The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

    The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but…" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

    The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

    The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

    He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

    The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses."

  • The Modest Man in Hospital

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

    Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

    The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost".

  • Bob and the Potato

    Bob liked to frequent the Newfoundland beaches but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Garge the lifeguard for advice.

    "It’s those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old bloke.

    They’re years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside them. I’m telling ya man…you’ll have all the babes you want!"

    The following weekend, Bob hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

    Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Bob went back to Garge the lifeguard and asked him, "What’s wrong now?"

    "Lard-Tunderin by!" said Garge, "the potato goes in the front!"

  • A Woman and a Baby

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examination room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor entered, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

    "Breast-fed", she replied.

    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

    She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

    Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, " No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk."

    "I know," she said, "I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came."

  • The Biopsy

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

    "Mrs. Ward, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband’s."

    "That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward.

    "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him."

  • “I Want a Divorce”

    A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

    The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

    The husband speaks again. "I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are."

    Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph. He pushes his luck.

    "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph.

    "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

    "And," he says, "I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

    The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn’t there anything you want?" The wife at last replies – in a quiet and controlled voice.

    "No, I’ve got everything I need." she says.

    "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

    Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. …..

    "The airbag."