The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The Elephant

    While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant’s foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen – thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

    Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

    For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day.

    Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can’t help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

    Probably not the same elephant then.

  • Elderly Marriage

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

    Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

    They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

    How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

    "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say, I would like it infrequently."

    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"

  • Golf Lessons

    A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

    Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?"

    "I was stung by a bee", she said.

    "Where", he asked.

    "Between the first and second hole", she replied.

    He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

  • Peanuts

    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?"

    The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law".

  • In Thailand

    In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the centre of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.

    At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.

    Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honoured to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner centre circle.

    Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.

    Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.

    And that’s why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

  • Things that are Difficult to Say when you’re Drunk

    Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…

    •  Innovative
    •  Preliminary
    •  Proliferation
    •  Cinnamon

    Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…

    •  Specificity
    •  British Constitution
    •  Passive-aggressive disorder
    •  Transubstantiate

    Things that are Absolutely Impossible to say when you’re drunk…

    •  Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
    •  Nope, no more booze for me.
    •  Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
    •  No kebab for me, thank you.
    •  Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
    •  I’m not interested in fighting you.
    •  Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
    •  Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
    •  Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
    •  I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

  • Here’s How Things Worked Out For Me

    Here’s how things worked out for me.

    Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

    Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman.

    She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed…

  • Singing the Blues

    I’m not usually one for lists of this nature but this is a ripper…

    Understanding the Blues and or wanting to become an instant success is all about telling a story – if you can’t sing – that’s a plus. Now let’s get started on your new career (don’t forget to leave your sunny disposition as you prepare to be miserable:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning…"
    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
    3. Da Blues is simple to write. After you got the first line sounding right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes – sort of: "Got’s me a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I gots a me a good woman wid da meanest face in town..yes yes,…..Gots teeth like Margaret Thatcher —–and she weigh 500 pound."
    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t no way out.
    5. Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in no Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is provided by a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
    6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet ‘causin they ain’t even lived yet. Adult loosers sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
    7. Being Blue can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues and it could get terminal. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause you been skiing is not the Blues. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause a ‘gator be chomping on it is.
    9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster to git yo self in da mood.
    10. Good places for the Blues:
      a. highway
      b. jailhouse
      c. empty bed
      d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    11. Bad places for the Blues:
      a. Nordstrom’s
      b. gallery openings
      c. Ivy League institutions
      d. golf courses
    12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, it’s black as the Ace of Spades, and you slept in it.
    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? "Yes," if:
      a. you’re older than dirt
      b. you’re blind (real or rage)
      c. you shot a man in Memphis
      d. you can’t be satisfied

      "No," if:
      a. you have all your teeth
      b. you were once blind but now can see
      c. the man in Memphis lived
      d. you have a trust fund or a 401k

    14. Blues is not a matter of race or color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston might consider a career change. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
    15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues creating beverages are:
      a. cheap wine
      b. whiskey or bourbon
      c. muddy water
      d. black coffee

      The following are NOT Blues beverages:
      a. Perrier
      b. Chardonnay
      c. Snapple
      d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting bigger tits or liposuction.
    17. Some Blues names for women:
      a. Sadie
      b. Big Mama
      c. Bessie
      d. Fat River Dumpling
    18. Some Blues names for men:
      a. Joe
      b. Willie
      c. Little Willie
      d. Big Willie
    19. Women with names like Amber, Jennifer, or Heather, and men with names like Todd, Alastair or Biff can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    20. It doesn’t matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

  • TequilaR

    Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about TequilaR.

    TequilaR is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. TequilaR can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of TequilaR almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with TequilaR.

    TequilaR may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use TequilaR. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

  • Two Beggars in Rome

    Two beggars are sitting near to each other on the main piazza in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

    Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and

    says: "My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country.

    People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a ‘Star of David’ in front of you, especially when you’re sitting nearby to a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they probably give to the Christian just out of spite." The beggar behind the ‘Star of David’ listened to the priest, then turned and called over to the beggar with the cross and said:

    "Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."