The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Tiger Woods

    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That’s no big thing in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, I’ve been with one guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

    "Yeah."

    "Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    The husband says, "I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn’t do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He’d come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

    The husband says, "I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn’t do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He’d come back to bed and do it again."

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

    When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

  • A Priest, a Preacher and a Rabbi

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk Shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment: they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

    "Well," he says, "I went into the woods To find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t Sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And, just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

    The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."

  • Patrick, Michael and the Genie

    Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

    "Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat."

  • Forgive Your Enemies

    Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

    The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

    "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don’t have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

    "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    "Ninety-eight," she replied.

    "Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

    The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

    "I outlived the bitches."

  • The Hollywood Agent

    This good looking, multi-talented man walks into an agent’s office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star. " Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked, "What’s your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER….. the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

    "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your great advice.

    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke

  • The Mental Asylum

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

  • Rugby World Cup Pre-Match Rituals

    Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

    The IRB Rugby World Cup 2006 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

    1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
    2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin’ at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents’ heads.
    3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
    4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
    5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. One member of the SA team will have moved to NZ/Oz/US/Can/UK (you choose), while a second one will be checking his door locks and "gat". The rest of the team will have torn the wiggly tin from the roof stadium and built a hut with it. A few, just a few will be eyeing up the tourists with a view to wealth redistribution.
    6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood! will make a film called ‘Saving No.8 Lyle’.
    7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
    8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
    9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
    10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
    11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose ! in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
    12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
    13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

     

  • Lord Nelson

    Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

    Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

    Nelson: "Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?"

    Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

    Nelson (reading aloud): "’England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledegook is this?"

    Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

    Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

    Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

    Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

    Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking."

    Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it ……….. full speed ahead."

    Hardy: "I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

    Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please."

    Hardy: "That won’t be possible, sir."

    Nelson: "What?"

    Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

    Nelson: "Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy."

    Hardy: "He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral."

    Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd."

    Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

    Nelson: "Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

    Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

    Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?"

    Nelson: "I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell The men to stand by to engage the enemy."

    Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

    Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

    Hardy: "It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

    Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

    Hardy: "Actually, sir, we’re not."

    Nelson: "We’re not?"

    Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

    Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

    Hardy: "I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report."

    Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

    Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life"

    Nelson: "Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

    Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment."

    Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

    Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

    Nelson: "In that case… kiss me, Hardy."

  • Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly

    Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there’s a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

    Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

    Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read….

    NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

  • Weapons of Math Destruction

    At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney-General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".