The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • My Wife Left Me

    My wife left me. I don’t understand why. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.

    I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

    Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!"

    She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

    I told her, "Hell, that’s what the beer was for!"

    I don’t think she’ll be back.

  • On the Bus

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.

    The case came up in court. The judge asked the man about (20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

    The man replied: Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double-Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William’s Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"… I just lost it.

  • The Amazing Claude

    It was "entertainment night" at the Seniors Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations."

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.

    "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch".

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

    Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred tiny pieces. "SHIT!", yelled the Hypnotist.

    And so it took three days to clean up that Seniors Center.

  • Health Questions and Answers

    Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

     

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

    Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

    Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:

    "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

  • The Seamstress

    One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

    The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

    The seamstress replied, "No" The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

    Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

    The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

    Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

    "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

    "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

    The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to Mel Gibson."

    And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

  • A Soldier in Uniform

    A Soldier in uniform, running very hard came upon a nun standing on the road. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later."

    Thought unusual, the nun agreed to his request.

    Shortly thereafter, two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She pointed in a direction and replied, "He went that way."

    After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, "I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Iraq."

    The nun said she could fully understand the fear.

    The soldier added, "I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I’ve ever seen. The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you’ve ever seen! I don’t want to go to Iraq either."

  • To the Citizens of the United States of America

    To the citizens of the United States of America…

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    John Cleese

  • The Grocery Store

    A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his drawers. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, gave him a good going over then called on the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

    The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him also to take down his pants. He did, she gave him a good feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

    A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had already seen was way cool. He had never had sexual contact of any kind with a female, so thought this was his big chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said… "Cleanup, register 5!"

  • The Train Set

    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fuck off now, cause we’re in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fuck on, cause we’re going down the tracks".

    The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

    She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

  • The Vet

    One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

    We didn’t know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier, and we took her to the vet. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

    My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other, and they constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened, and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved, and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she’s pregnant and God only knows who the father is!" And then he closed the door.

    Now THAT, my friends, is getting even…