The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Toaster Refund

    She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale.

    All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

    The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What’s wrong?"

    She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale.

    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma’am, why are you saying that?"

    In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I’M GETTING SCREWED!"

    Her money was instantly refunded.

  • Small Breasts

    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

    "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

    "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

    I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

    Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn’t it?"

    He’s still alive, and with a great deal of physio-therapy, he may even walk again.

    Stupid, stupid man.

  • Mrs. Vance is Overdue

    Mr.Vance comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

    "I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby!  The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody."

    The next day, Mrs.Vance receives a telephone call from Toronto Hydro because the electricity bill has not been paid.

    " Am I speaking to Mrs.Vance ? "

    "Yes…… speaking"

    Hydro guy, "You’re a month overdue, you know!"

    "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

    "Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!" says Mr. Hydro guy

    "What are you saying? It’s in your files …… HOW ?????"

    " Yes …………. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue "

    " GOD !!!!!!……… this is too much………."

    "Madam, I am sorry…… I am following orders…. I have to inform you are overdue"

    "I know that ……. let me talk to my husband about this tonight…..He will speak to your company tomorrow"

    That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a hornet, rushes to the Hydro office the next day morning.

    "What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

    "Just calm down," says the lady at reception, "it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

    "PAY you? and if I refuse?"

    "Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off."

    "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

    "I don’t know sir. I guess she’d have to use a candle!!!"

  • A Cowboy Walks Into a Bar…

    A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together.
    So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains, "It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit drinking… hasn’t affected my brothers though."

  • The Cowboy and the Yuppie

    A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Munich, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

    "That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his BMW.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You’re a consultant." says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; then you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I didn’t ask; and you don’t know anything about my business."

    "..Now give me back my dog."

  • Holiday Inn

    Recently I was checking my Superannuation account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when they hit 45. I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

    Here is my plan: I’m checking into the Holiday Inn.

    With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I’ll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer.
    I’ll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I’ll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

    There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly
    somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get
    into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever — you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

    Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family.
    They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

    When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV — all you need to enjoy a cosy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

    Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you’ll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you’re getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room — your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

    Being natural sceptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I’m happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

    "So, when I reach the golden age I’ll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!"

  • Two Mexicans

    There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they’re at death’s door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

    As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

    "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We’re saved!!!"

    "You’re right, amigo!" says Pepe.

    So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

    His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

    "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

    With his dying breath Pepe calls out… "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"

    "Ees… a…. Ham bush"

  • The Taxidermist

    A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

    All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from up north.

    The bartender says, "You ain’t from around here, are ya?"

    The guy says, "No, I’m from Frankford Ontario."

    The bartender asks cautiously, "Now whatdya do up in Canada?"

    The guy says, "I’m a taxidermist."

    The bartender roars, "A taxidermist? Just what in hell’s name is a taxidermist?! Do you drive a taxi?"

    "No way man, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals."

    The bartender grins real wide and hollers, "It’s okay boys. He’s one of us!"

  • How to Give a Cat a Pill

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
    10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
    12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
    13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
    14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.
    15. Arrange for RSPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any goldfish

  • Eggplant or Onion

    A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"

    Little Johnny replies, "An eggplant."

    "No, Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren’t you"

    "No, ma’am," Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"