The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • Why You Should Learn to Use Algebra…

    After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and clichés a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.
    Here it goes.

    Knowledge is Power
    Time is Money and as every engineer knows,
    Power is Work over Time.

    So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:

    K = P (1)
    T = M (2)
    P = W/T (3)

    Now, do a few simple substitutions:

    Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
    K = W/T (4)

    Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

    K = W/M (5).

    Now we’ve got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

    Knowledge equals Work over Money.

    What this MEANS is that:

    1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
    2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

    Solving for Money, we get:

    M = W/K (6)
    Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

    From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

    What THIS MEANS is:

    The More you Make, the Less you Know.

    Solving for Work, we get

    W = M K (7)
    Work equals Money times Knowledge

    From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

    What THIS MEANS is:

    The stupid rich do little or no work.

    Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

  • Abbott & Costello and the Computer

    Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott.

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Yes. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

    COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

    COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue "w" if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great, with what?

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO; OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1."

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?

    ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there’s three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even Part of Office.

    COSTELLO: Stop! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What’s bundled to my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (LATER)

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

    ABBOTT: Click on "START" …………………………….

  • Saturday Mornings

    The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

    A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement ham-shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it. I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles." I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say. "Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital" he continued. "Let me tell you something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities."

    And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."

    "You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. "Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part. It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail", he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays."

    "I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear." "Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.

    "Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time."

    "It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 Year old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!"

    You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. "C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast." "What brought this on?" she asked with a smile. Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles…

  • Quickies

    1. Two peanuts walk into a bar.
      One was asalted.
    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
      The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
    3. A sandwich walks into a bar.
      The barman says, "Sorry we don’t serve food in here."
    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
      says:
      "A beer please, and one for the road."
    6. Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
      The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.
    7. "Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.’"
      "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
      "Is it common?"
      "It’s not unusual."
    8. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
      Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
      "I don’t believe you," said Dolly.
      "It’s true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
    9. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
      The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."
    10. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
      One says, "I’ve lost my electron."
      The other says, "Are you sure?"
      The first replies, "Yes, I’m positive. . ."
    11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.
    12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
      "My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
      "Well" says the vet, "let’s have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
      examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I’m going to
      have to put him down."
      "What? Because he’s cross-eyed?"
      "No, because he’s really heavy."
    13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
      any.
    14. I went to the butchers the other day and I offered to bet him $50.00
      that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
      He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’
    15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
      A fsh!

  • Two Catholic Boys

    There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy.

    Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

    Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope.

    In time the pope did die and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen .
    The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope!

    Secola Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.

    With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why did you choose Timothy?"

    After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called "Pope Secola."

  • The Hospital Benefactor

    A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

    "Oh my God!" screamed the woman. "That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

    The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry… but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they’ll explode and he’ll die within minutes."

    "Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s OK," commented the woman.

    In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.

    Again the woman screamed "Oh my God! How can that be justified?"

    The doctor replied… "Same illness, better health plan."

  • The Commuter Plane

    Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off. The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

    In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."

  • The Newlyweds

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

    So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I’ll be right back."

    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

    "I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…"

    He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

    She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…"

    "You want dirty words, cutie pie?…

    "LISTEN UP , DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

    and, they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story?

  • Nookie Green

    A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

    The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s."

    Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

    This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

    "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

    "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary’s."

    At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

    The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

    The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

    The bug-eyed altar boy can’t believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes!"

  • Finding Inner Peace

    I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me… and at this time of year we all could use a little …… calm!!! By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace…….. the article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started."

    So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished…. and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

    You have no idea how fucking good I feel….

    You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace…