Author: Grime

  • A Lady Walks in to a BMW Dealership

    A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

    As she turns, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madame, it would be prudent of me not to say. If you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

  • Condom Sponsors

    Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

    •  Nike Condoms: Just do it
    •  Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
    •  Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
    •  Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
    •  Optus Condoms: Yes!
    •  KFC Condoms: Finger lickin’ good
    •  M&Ms Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
    •  Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going…..
    •  Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can’t stop
    •  Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
    •  Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
    •  Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
    •  Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
    •  VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I’ve got one now
    •  Swan Lager Condoms: They said you’d never make it…..
    •  Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek – (target gay market)
    •  Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
    •  Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
    •  Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy.
    •  McDonald’s Condoms: Things that make you go hmm………

    The following brands would probably not sell very well…

    •  Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
    •  AFL Condoms: I’d like to see that
    •  Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year…
    •  Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
    •  TAC Condoms: Speed kills
    •  Nobby’s Condoms: Nibble Nobby’s Nuts
    •  Bolle Condoms: Put ’em on your face
    •  Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
    •  Aussie Home Loans Condoms: We’ll save you
  • Three Girls on the Porch

    A nice man walks past a house and sees three girls sitting on their front porch. He stops and says to the first little girl, "Hello little girl, what’s your name?"

    She replies, "My name is Petal, because when my mother was pregnant with me, a petal landed on her tummy." The man said, "That’s so sweet!"

    To the next girl he asks, "Little girl, what’s your name?"

    The girls says, "My name is Feather, because when my mother was pregnant with me, a feather landed on her tummy." He again praises the cute young girl.

    The man looks to the third girl who seems very dazed with her eyes to the sky and her mouth open wide drooling. He says as kindly as he can, "And you little girl, what’s your name?"

    The girl replies in a very drawled out tone, "mayyyy nayyyme uzzzz peyannnno."

  • The Frog in the Trap

    Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes – that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

    The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, *POOF*, she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

    So, *POOF*, she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I’d like a mild heart attack."

  • Jock the Painter

    There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

    And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

    Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

    Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke…

    "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

  • Which to Marry?

    A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry.

    As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

    The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month’s supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They’re my gifts to you, because I love you so."

    The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply, and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That’s how much I love you, my dear."

    The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest boobs.

  • The Canadian Comfort Station

    I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:

    "Hi, how are you doing?"

    Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don’t know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

    "Not bad."

    And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

    Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

    "Well, just like you I’m driving east."

    Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I’ll call you back, there’s some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

  • How Far Can a Dime Go?

    A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who’d get the most out of a dime.

    The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.

    He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can’t beat that for stretching a dime."

    The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"

  • What in the World is Electricity?

    Today’s scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

    Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend’s mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.

    It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend’s filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

    AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.

    Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin’s brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.

    After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog’s leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani’s discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond — almost.

    But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison’s first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison’s greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison’s design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

    This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937.

    Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani’s, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Bulldozer" to "Eyeball."

  • Carly and the Eye Doctor

    Carly went to the eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read lines of letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

    Carly was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper bag, cut out a hole to see through with one eye, put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters again.

    As he did so, he noticed tears dripping from the bottom of the paper bag. "Look," said the doctor, "there’s no need to get so upset about needing glasses."

    "I know," she cried, "But I had my heart set on wire frames."