Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light, look at the guy in the car next to you. Roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down, look at him and yell:
"Oh, did you fart, too?"
One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, "Last night me do squaw, left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph’, condom go BOOM!"
Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.
The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me do squaw, left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph’, condom go BOOM!"
The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on." So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances."
The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.
The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he’s really pissed."
The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me do squaw!! Left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph’, condom go ‘oomph’, left nut go ‘BOOM’!"
Ten times when using the "f" word was probably acceptable —
10. "What the @#$% was that?"- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" – Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." – Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" – Picasso, 1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" – Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" – Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my arse!" – Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" – Bill Clinton, 1999
AND
1. "Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad." – Osama bin Laden, 2001
Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
‘Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So what happened that is so horrible?’
Farmer: ‘Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over’
Man: ‘That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain. ‘
Man: ‘So then what happened?’
Farmer: ‘I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. ‘
Man: ‘Again? So what did you do then?’
Farmer: ‘I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. ‘
Man: ‘And then what.’
Farmer: ‘I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.’
Man: ‘Wow, you must have been pretty upset.’
Farmer: ‘Some things you just can’t explain.’
Man: ‘So then what did you do?’
Farmer: ‘Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.’
The Japanese have invented the perfect woman robot. It has 5 buttons.
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit.
The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have problem of shit sticking to you fur"?
The bunny says "No"
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his arse.
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that’s nothin’," said the 70-year-old.
"When you’re seventy, you can’t even have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement ?"
"No, I go every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?"
The 80-year-old replied, "I don’t wake up until 7:00."
The young clerk’s responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge’s yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk’s pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn’t resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there’s not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
"What’s wrong?" John said.
"I’ve been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.
Just then John’s blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I’ll look after you."
When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend’s penis with cotton wool and water.
"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"
Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I’ll lose the nail!"