The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The Dishes

    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

  • Drinking Guinness

    Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker.

    The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

    To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!"

    And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

    There was silence for a moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don’t think you understand… Chunks is my dog."

  • The Talking Clock

    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom.

    "Wassat big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

    "Thassa talking clock" the man replied.

    "Howzit work?"

    "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Fuck off you arsehole! It’s 2 am!"

  • The Cowboy

    An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

    After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am," replied the cowboy.

    After a short while he asked her what she was.

    "I’ve never been on a ranch so I know I’m not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

    A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian."

  • Yodelling

    There were two brothers who were national yodelling champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would have it there was a beautiful farmer’s daughter at the house.

    The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodelling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signalled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.

    Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy wasn’t out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him.

    Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodelled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly shot him.

    The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?"

    The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.

  • Three Daughters

    A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.

    The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffee". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; "Satisfaction to the last drop…". So, Mother was happy.

    Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

    Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "Swissair". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a SR ad.

    She found one and fainted.

    The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS…"

  • Men and Women

    HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

    Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicise, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinise, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

    HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

    Show up naked. Bring Beer.

  • The Flowers

    A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh shit! My boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."

    The blonde looks at her and says, "What’s the big deal? Don’t you like getting flowers?"

    The brunette says, "Oh sure… but I just don’t feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."

    The blonde says, "Why? Don’t you have a vase?"

  • Damn, He Can Drive

    There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting.  He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive", then spit. 

    A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What’s going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

    "Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"

    "He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!!  He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we’re picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.

    "We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!!

    "We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor-home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!  I just knew we were gonna die!  So I turn to him and said… "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!"

    He paused.  Then spit.  "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

  • Sherry or Port

    A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a drink.

    He asked whether she preferred Sherry or Port and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.

    "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."