The Monday Morning Mirth

Author: Grime

  • The New Train Set

    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son play with his new electric train set in the living room.

    She heard the train stop and her son said, " All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now because we’re leaving."

    The mother went into the living room and told her son, " We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

    Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains.

    The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

    "For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.

    "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

  • Two Men from Texas

    Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began choking on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "Y’know, that little gal over yonder is havin’ a bad time. I’m a gonna go over there and help her."

    He sauntered over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

    With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her on the butt. The young lady was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.

    The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."

  • The Attorney & the Drunk

    An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."

    Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

    Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

    The drunk replied, "I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

    The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

    So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?"

    The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

  • The Pig

    A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right.

    "I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a pig!"

    "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

    "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

    "But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me!"

    "Never mind," says the boss. "There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

    "Okay, boss."

    Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What’s the problem, son?"

    "Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck."

    "What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

    "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

     

  • The Monkey

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place.

    The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replied the patron.

    "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

    Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

    "He stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep.

    "Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replied the patron.

    "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

  • Pickle

    Two guys work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she’d been there for three weeks. Man, I’m tellin’ you, she had a clitoris like a pickle."

    "What", the other asks, "green?"

    "No", says the first, "sour."

  • Three Mice

    There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee – just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

    The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey – throws his glass on the floor and says, "I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet – then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine."

    The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go home and screw the cat."

     

  • Egg and Chicken

    So… there’s an egg and a chicken laying together in a bed the chicken is laying there with this big satisfied grin on its face, smoking a cigarette.

    The egg is just laying there on its side, facing away from the chicken.

    Finally the egg mumbles…. "Well I guess we finally answered THAT question."

     

  • The Jewish Genie

    Better late than never… An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

    But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

    "I’m not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!"

    "What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!"

    The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    "OK, kid, what’s your second wish."

    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

    After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women."

    ***POOF***

    The Arab is turned into a tampon.

    The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.

     

  • The Head

    Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

    The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

    Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

    He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

    Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"