The Monday Morning Mirth

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  • The White Haired Man and the Jewellery Store

    An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

    He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

    The old man aid, "I don’t think you understand, I want something very special."

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

    "Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.

    The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it."

    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.

    "I know you will need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring late Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

    "There’s no money in that account."

    "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

  • Shipwrecked

    A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions. They held a meeting to resolve the problem and decided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

    In due time the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday.

    As he lay an the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am I ever glad to see you!

    "Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too", said the raft rider in a swishy way.

    With a shrug of resignation the guy said… "Oh damn, there goes my Sundays!"

  • The New Navigator

    The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

    The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

    "No, sir," replies the newbie.

    "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

    The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

    "What’s THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

    "Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I’ll know we’re lost before you will."

  • A Visit to the Doctor

    An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
    "There’s something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that."
    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
    The receptionist replied, "You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
    The man replied, "You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
    "There’s something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
    "I can’t piss out of it," the man replied.

  • Little Jacques

    Little Jacques was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – – Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

    Jacques was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

    Sometimes, if an offer’s really good he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Jacques aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said Jacques, "He is a Liberal MP, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!"

  • Tom as a Hen

    Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

    "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?…and who are you?" he asked.

    "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

    "WHAT! Are you saying I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

    "It’s not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

    Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad.

    "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

    And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

    "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

    "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

    "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That’s only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

    "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

    "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

    Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘plop’ an egg was on the ground.

    "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

    The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom!! For cryin’ out loud! Wake up! You’re shittin’ all over the bed!"

  • Logic

    Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.

    Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

    The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and logic.

    "Logic?" Jim says. "What’s that?"

    The dean says, "I’ll show you. Do you own a weedwhacker?"

    "Yeah."

    "Then logically because you own a weedwhacker, I think that you would have a yard."

    "That’s true, I do have a yard."

    "I’m not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

    "Yes, I do have a house."

    "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

    "I have a family."

    "I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

    "Yes, I do have a wife."

    "And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

    "I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedwhacker."

    Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

    "Logic?" Bob says, "What’s that?"

    Jim says, "I’ll show you. Do you have a weedwhacker?"

    "No."

    "Uhhh .. then you’re gay!"

  • The Navajo Elder’s Message to the Moon

    When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

    One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
    His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

    Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief.

    The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
    The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
    So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

    Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

    "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

  • The Jamaican Sandal Shop

    A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shop keeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Vacationers! Come in! Come into my humble shop!"

    So they walked in.

    The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sexgod he was.

    The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make me any better than I am?

    "The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
    Something his wife hadn’t seen in many years!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s hips.

    The Jamaican then began screaming, "DE WRONG FEET! DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

  • The Chicken and the Horse

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together.

    One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

    Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

    Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

    Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

    Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.

    Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

    Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

    After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

    Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

    The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

    A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

    The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

    Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

    The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    The moral of the story?

    "When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"