The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Johnny and Jenny

    Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine"

    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

    Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we’ve been lucky so far…"

    Mr. Smith doesn’t think the little shit is adorable anymore.

  • The Mute and the Toothbrush

    There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

    Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

    He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

  • How to Wave a Towel

    An older Jewish man married a much younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one orgasm during sex.

    So they went to see the rabbi.

    The rabbi tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax.

    They go back to the rabbi.

    The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming ear-splitting climaxes, one after another.

    When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT’s how you wave a towel!"

  • Daddy and Aunt Jane

    Little Johnny saw his dad’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane……..".

    At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Dan used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."

    Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

  • The Husband Superstore

    Recently, a "Husband Superstore" opened, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attitudes as you ascended.

    The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

    A couple of girlfriends went to the superstore to find some husbands……….

    First floor, the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?" So up they went.

    Second floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."
    "Hmmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what’s further up?"

    Third floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
    "WOW," said the women. "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

    Fourth floor, this door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
    "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
    So up to the fifth floor they went.

    Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs !!"

  • The Wise Old Indian Chief

    An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.
    The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

    We had …………

    No taxes,

    No debt,

    Plenty buffalo,

    Plenty beaver,

    Women doing all the work,

    Free Medicine Man,

    Hunting and fishing all day, all night long having sex."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled …..

    "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

  • A Cowboy and his Horse

    A cowboy had been caught by some Indians and was about to be executed when they asked him for any last request. So he walked over to his horse and whispered something in its ear. The horse took off madly over the hills and then came right back with a beautiful naked blonde on its back.

    The cowboy took the blonde to a teepee and they make love. Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, amazed, agreed again. So the cowboy walked over to the horse and whispered in his ear again.

    The horse took off and then came back with a beautiful naked redhead. He takes her into another teepee and they again make love. He comes out and once more asked to talk to his horse.

    The Indians once more agreed. So he walked over to the horse and whispered something else into its ear. The horse took off and then came right back with a beautiful naked brunette on its back. The cowboy took the brunette to a teepee and they make love.

    Then he came back out and requested another talk with his horse. The Indians, totally amazed by this point, agreed again. So the cowboy walks over to the horse and says, "I’m only going to do this once more, now read my lips, ‘posse’"!

  • Shipwrecked

    A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

    After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn’t even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity.

    One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way! He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I’m going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they’re going to give me some clothes and I’m going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She’ll start to take off her clothes and she’ll be wearing red silk panties!"

    At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells, "Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!"

  • The Cabbie and the Naked Woman

    One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

    Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

    "Where to?" he stammered.

    "Union Station," answered the woman.

    "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

    The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

    "Well ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare."

    The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does *THIS* answer your question? "

    Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

  • The Priest, the Preacher and the Rabbi

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."