- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It’s a Small World" incessantly.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I’ve got new socks on!"
- Meow occasionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You’re one of THEM!"
and move to the far corner of the elevator. - Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Category: Uncategorized
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21 Fun Things to do on an Elevator
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Father and Son Hunting
A father and son went hunting together For the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET I’ll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’…………..Well, I guess I JUST ……. PANICKED!"
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The Baby Skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."
She asks, "Where will I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it between your legs. It’s nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold it’s nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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Putting the Dog Out
A couple were going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, dressed, dog put out and ready to leave. The taxi arrives and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back into the house. They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her big, fat butt downstairs and tossed her into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the cab was deafening!
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The Bunny and the Snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am."
It’s quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you’ll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you’re covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you’ve helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you’re smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be a politician."
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A Student of Proctology
A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.
He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse’s rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again…just can’t wait to get on the road again…"
The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again…just can’t wait to get on the road again…"
"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student’s discovery.
"But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
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Two Aliens
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn’t respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn’t do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don’t want to do that. You really don’t want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge.
"If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy", said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a dick he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don’t mess with him."
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The Accountant’s Tattoo
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?""Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in awhile I like to play with my money, three, I like how my money feels in my hand, and lastly; Instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want!!!"
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The Holy Place
This from Scott Adams…
As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.
The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don’t. That’s why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.
At some point during the summit, probably after a week or so, the scholars would tire of saying to each other, "Nice hat" and asking, "What setting do you use to trim your ratty beard?" Then they’d get down to the business of defining what makes a place holy. Someone would suggest that the key things are the location and the fact that something holy happened there.
Eventually, someone with a second-grade understanding of space, possibly the busboy, would point out that everything in the universe has moved a gazillion miles since the holy event, and the concept of location is meaningless unless all the reference points stay put. The best-case scenario is that the "holy place" is now a billion miles away, floating in empty space.
After some embarrassed mumbling, the scholars would insist that they knew all along that location wasn’t important. One of them would break the awkwardness by suggesting that a holy place must be defined by the "stuff" that comprises it. That’s good news, because the Middle East is made entirely of dirt. The wise King Solomon probably would have advised people to help themselves to as much holy dirt as they wanted. He might have gone so far as to suggest that people put holy dirt in their socks so they can enjoy walking on it wherever they go. But first he would have invented socks and patented the idea, because in addition to being wise, he had a good head for business.
Religious scholars should also help the rest of us understand the question of holy depth. Is it just the top layer of soil that’s holy, or does the holiness continue lower into the ground? It’s important because if there’s no bottom limit, then whatever is on the exact opposite side of the earth is also holy, only upside down. The residents would have to stand on their heads to get the full benefit of the holy rays, but it would be worth it.
Feel free to forward this Holy Place argument to any Induhviduals who need the enlightenment that comes from having their core beliefs mocked. I can’t guarantee that this will stop terrorism, but whatever you’re doing now isn’t working.
If you want more thought-provoking ideas in the same realm, check out my new book, The Religion War. It’s a sequel to my non-Dilbert book, God’s Debris.
It’s guaranteed to become a collector’s item after al-Qaeda gets me. And it’s ideal for book clubs and people who like to have their preconceived notions tweaked.http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740747886/dilbertcom-20
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The Pope and the Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven’t a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we’re staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."