The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • A Little Birdie Told Me

    Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me."

    Did you know they probably aren’t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.

    These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

    This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

    Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE.

  • The Missionary and the Bike

    A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

    He realises that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

    The missionary is pleased with the response.

    They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

    The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

    The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

    The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilised and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

    The chief replied, "My bike."

  • Mate Match

    Chicago folks apparently did hear this on the WBBM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

    One particular game, however, several months ago made the Windy City drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

    DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBBM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?

    Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.

    DJ: Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First name only please.

    Contestant: Brian.

    DJ: Brian, are you married or what?

    Brian: Yes.

    DJ: Yes? Does that mean you’re married or you’re what?

    Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

    DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please.

    Brian: Sarah.

    DJ: Is Sarah at work, Brian?

    Brian: She is gonna kill me.

    DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

    Brian: (laughing) Yes, she’s at work.

    DJ: Okay, first question – when was the last time you had sex?

    Brian: She is gonna kill me.

    DJ: Brian! Stay with me here!

    Brian: About 8 o’clock this morning.

    DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

    Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well…

    DJ: Question #2 – How long did it last?

    Brian: About 10 minutes

    DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake.

    Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.

    DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock this morning?

    Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well…

    DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?

    Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…

    DJ: Uh huh…

    Brian: …and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.

    DJ: Atta boy, Brian.

    Brian: On the kitchen table.

    DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this. 3 minutes of commercials follow)

    DJ: Okay audience, let’s call Sarah, shall we? (touch tones… ringing…) Clerk: Kinkos.

    DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she.

    DJ: Sarah, this is Edgar with WBBM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.

    Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?

    DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of MateMatch?

    Sarah: No.

    DJ: Good!

    Brian: (laughing)

    Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.

    DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure.. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic’s game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?

    Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

    DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?

    Sarah: Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work.

    DJ: What time?

    Sarah: Around 8 this morning.

    DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?

    Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.

    DJ: Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?

    Sarah: (laughing) Yes.

    DJ: Where did you have it?

    Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that, did you?

    Brian: Just tell him, honey.

    DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?

    Sarah: Well, it’s just that my mom is vacationing with us and…

    DJ: Come on Sarah… where did you have it?

    Sarah: In the ass…

    (long pause)

    DJ: Folks, we need to take a station break.

  • The Heaviest Element

    A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium.

    Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

  • A Young and Foolish Pilot

    A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

    So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

    Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

    The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

  • 4 Questions

    The following test consists of 4 QUESTIONS and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

    1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

    The correct answer to question 1 is: "Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door."

    This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

    2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

    Wrong Answer: "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator."

    Correct Answer: "Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door."

    This tests your ability think through the repercussions of your actions.

    3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

    Correct Answer: "The Elephant." The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

    This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities:

    4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

    Correct Answer: "You swim across."

    All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

    This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

    According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

    Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

  • Two Strangers on an Aeroplane

    Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in aeroplane.

    One guy says to the other, "Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

    The first guy says, "Oh, I don’t know; how about nuclear power?"

    The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

    "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

    The first guy says, "I don’t know."

    The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don’t know shit?"

  • The New Zealand Sailor

    I need your help… I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Whangarei and my brother-in-law is an Australian living in Gisborne. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland, for a living. My only brother is serving a life sentence in prison for murder. I am in love with a Thai prostitute who solicits around the Auckland wharves. She says she loves me, but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry just as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn’t bother her at all. When I get out of the Navy, we will open a day-care centre in Hamilton and get my two sisters to work there, to keep the business in the family.

    My problem is this. I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

  • Twins

    Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

    He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she’d like to do.

    She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone."

    So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

    A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris’ apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let’s stop up and see that guy."

    The other girl says, "Gee, do you think he’ll remember us?"

  • A Headache

    A guy visits his doctor complaining of a really sharp headache along the left side of his brain.

    "Hmmm," the doctor says, ruminating on the problem. "Let me ask you this – do you masturbate?"

    Somewhat taken aback the guy replies, "Uhhh, well . . . uhhh, yeah."

    The doctor grins and says, "It’s great, isn’t it!"