The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Actual Creation

    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, having a rest. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael! Look what I have made."

    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

    "It’s a planet", replied God, "and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance."

    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich, powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

    "Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What’s that one?"

    "Ah" said God, "That’s Australia, the most glorious place on Earth! There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high- achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket and rugby players, who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then declared, "But you said there will be BALANCE!?"

    God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep shagging, Kiwi’s I’m putting next to them."

  • Rules for Men

    I’m not usually taken by these lists, but this one is an exception…

    Men

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
    20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
      "Yeah, baby, push it!"
      "C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
      "Another set and we can hit the showers."
      "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

  • At the Lumberyard

    Two men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos.

    "The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?"

    The man said, "I’ll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

    "Alright. How long do you need them?"

    The customer paused for a minute and said, "I’d better go check".

    After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."

  • The Hospital Donation Centre

    A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation centre.

    Man: "What are you doing here today?"

    Woman: "Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it."

    Man: "Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

    The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

    Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

    Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

  • Airport Security

    I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

    As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

    "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn’t pack yourself?" he asked.

    I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

    He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

  • You Idiot

    A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual.

    "You’re an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You’ll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you’d come in second."

    "Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

    "Because you’re an idiot!"

  • Honey, Could You Fix the Light?

    A guy is slobbing at home watching the football when his girl interrupts: "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway It’s been flickering for weeks."

    He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a General Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so."

    "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close properly."

    He says: "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse on my forehead? I don’t think so."

    "Fine!" she screams: "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

    "I’m not a bloody carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don’t think so.

    I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to the pub! He drinks for a couple of hours then starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his girl and decides to go home and help out. As he walks in, he notices that the steps are already fixed and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to get a beer and notices the fridge door is also fixed.

    "Honey, how’d this all get fixed?"

    She said: "When you left, I sat outside and cried. The nice young man across the street asked what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was bake him a cake or have sex with him."

    "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked.

    She replied: "HELLO!!! …. Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead? I don’t think so!!"

  • A Sweatshirt or a Windbreaker?

    A girl says to a salesman, "I’m not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

    He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

  • George and Oprah

    George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and bragged that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night.

    After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I’m not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place."

    So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, George says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    She says okay. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. George says, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand."

    Oprah says, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" George replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a black woman, she stole my wallet."

  • The Deaf Dog

    My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

    He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

    At the register the druggist tells her "If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says "I’m not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says "If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says "I’m not using it on my legs either and if you must know I’m using it on my schnauzer."

    The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."