A women was pregnant with triplets. Anyway one day she goes into this bank. The bank is being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her belly!! Luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor. He says her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out, so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MUM, MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" so the mother tells her the story. The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" The next day the son comes out and says "MUM, MUM!" She goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" He replies, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
Category: Uncategorized
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The New Leader of China
We take you now to the Oval Office where President Bush is meeting with National Security Advisor Condolezza Rice:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I am telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi: I’m not asking, I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name, sir.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi?
George: No, But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call.
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone) Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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The Big Bang
I was fascinated to find out the other day some new research into the Big Bang. That’s the theory which says about 15 billion years ago, a tremendous explosion happened which created the universe.
Researchers are now saying the Big Bang is actually part of a continuing and endless cycle of explosions and expansions that last trillions of years.
The cycle begins with the Big Dinner and Drinks, then the Big Bang, which is followed by a Big Cigarette, a Little Nap, then another Big Bang.
Then, rudely enough, the Universe goes back to its own apartment and never calls.
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The Flight Attendant
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn’t work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.
Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".
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If You Love Something
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free…
If it comes back, it’s yours,
If it doesn’t, it never was yours….
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.
THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.
THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
Set her free again, repeat *
THE LAWYER’S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly
states that…
THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free…
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and
tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.
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After the Honeymoon
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Tips for Management Meetings – Bollocks Bingo
Do you keep dozing off in meetings and seminars?
What about those fruitless, boring conference calls?
Here’s a way to change all that:
(1) Before your next meeting, briefing, or conference call, prepare a card. – 25cm by 25cm (10" x 10") is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 blocks.
(2) Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
- synergy
- strategic fit
- core competencies
- best practices
- bottom line
- revisit
- take that off-line
- 24×7
- out of the loop
- benchmark
- value-added
- proactive
- win-win
- think outside the box
- fast track
- results-driven
- empower (or empowerment)
- knowledge base
- Brain Storm
- touch base
- mindset
- client focus(ed)
- going forward
- game plan
- leverage
(3) Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words or phrases.
(4) When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "Bollocks!"
TESTIMONIALS FROM SATISFIED "BOLLOCKS BINGO" PLAYERS:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." – Jack W., London
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." – David D., Manchester
"What a laugh! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." – Bill R., Edinburgh
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." – Ben G., Reading
"The team leader was stunned as eight of us screamed "Bollocks!" in unison, for the third time in two hours." – Kathleen L., Ipswich
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Somebody Stole My Car
A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, Can I help you, sir?
Yesssh! Schomebody schtole my car! the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssch at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Ohhh GOD…they got my girlfriend too!"
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The Father and Son Cannibals
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there’s one."
"No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her."
"No," said the father. "We’ll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
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The World’s Funniest Joke
LONDON (Reuters) – After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world’s funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people’s offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I’ve got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’
"But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."’
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’
"The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."’
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’
"The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk."’
The survey revealed other fun facts:
— Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
— If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
— The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.