The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: father

  • A Norwegian and an Indian

    A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

    "Look," he said, "let’s have a little game. I’ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t then you buy me one. OK?"

    "Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

    The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my sister. Who was it?"

    The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

    "It was ME," chortled the Indian.

    So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

    Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

    "Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

    "Fair enough," said Sven.

    "Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn’t my brudder. It vasn’t my sister. Who vas it?"

    "Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

    The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

  • A Drink Of Water

    A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

    "Da-ad…"

    "What?"

    "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

    "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

    "Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…"

    "WHAT?"

    "I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??"

    "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!"

    "Five minutes later… "Daaaa-aaaad…"

    "WHAT??!!"

    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

  • The Head

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just "a head"! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

    After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink !"

    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly, the bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should have quit while he was a head!"

  • Taking the Dog for a Walk

    A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

    "What does that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.

    Surprised, Dad asked, "Where’s Belle?"

    The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

  • The Young Monk

    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

    "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What’s wrong, father?"

    With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was…

    CELEBRATE!!!"

  • Peanuts

    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?"

    The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law".

  • The Vet

    One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

    We didn’t know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier, and we took her to the vet. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

    My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other, and they constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened, and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved, and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she’s pregnant and God only knows who the father is!" And then he closed the door.

    Now THAT, my friends, is getting even…

  • George Bush and the Queen

    George Bush is visiting the Queen Elizabeth of England.

    He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

    "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

    The Queen takes a sip of tea. Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.

    The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

    Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty…"

    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

    "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

    Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

    Dick, answer this for me.

    "Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I’m not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

    Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.

    Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Colin Powell’s shoes in the next stall.

    Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Colin Powell yells back, "That’s easy. It’s me!"

    Dick Cheney smiles. Thanks!"

    Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

    Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Colin Powell."

    Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you moron! It’s Tony Blair!"

  • Meyer’s Parrot

    Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk…vus machts du?" (How’re ya doin’"Yeah, du." (Yeah, you.)

    Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn’t believe it. Perfect Yiddish. The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…"

    Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak Yiddish? In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in thegarment district. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.

    Next morning, Meyer began to put on his Tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

    One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

    All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one after another prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everyone is looking at you!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..

    He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot. Finally several blocks from the Temple the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?"

    "Meyer, don’t be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"

  • The Little Indian Boy

    A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

    His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

    For example, your sister’s name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

    Then there’s your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

    It’s very simple and easy to understand.

    Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?