The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: father

  • The New Zealand Sailor

    I need your help… I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Whangarei and my brother-in-law is an Australian living in Gisborne. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland, for a living. My only brother is serving a life sentence in prison for murder. I am in love with a Thai prostitute who solicits around the Auckland wharves. She says she loves me, but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry just as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn’t bother her at all. When I get out of the Navy, we will open a day-care centre in Hamilton and get my two sisters to work there, to keep the business in the family.

    My problem is this. I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

  • The Father and Son Cannibals

    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there’s one."

    "No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."

    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough."

    "No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."

    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her."

    "No," said the father. "We’ll not eat her either."

    "Why not?" asked the son.

    "Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

  • Rules for Men

    I’m not usually taken by these lists, but this one is an exception…

    Men

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
    20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
      "Yeah, baby, push it!"
      "C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
      "Another set and we can hit the showers."
      "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

  • The Family Poem

    Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, 
    I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. 
    This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. 
    My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. 
    This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. 
    My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife. 
    To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, 
    I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. 
    My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. 
    And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. 
    For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother 
    To the widow’s grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother. 
    Father’s wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. 
    And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter’s son. 
    My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue. 
    Because, although she is my wife, she’s my grandma too. 
    If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. 
    And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. 
    For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw –
    As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! 

  • The Birds and the Bees

    A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don’t want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won’t tell me."

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

    "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for."

  • Show and Tell

    The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something. 
    The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring? 
    "I brought a Walkman."
    "And what is it for?"
    "You can listen to music with it!"
    "That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
    "I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
    "Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!"
    "Yes, I did. It’s in the hall."
    So the entire class goes into the hallway. 
    "Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
    "It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
    "Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
    "He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!’

  • The Perfect Woman

    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied, "They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

    "Well" said the man, " She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well," the man replied, "She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

    Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

    "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

  • How Yodelling Began

    Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?… Well, here ya’ go…. Back in the olden days, a man was travelling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That’s some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn’t," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I’m going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don’t know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn’t," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I’m going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where’s the man from the barn?", she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" And that’s how Yodelling began.

  • Vacation at a Nude Beach

    Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says…"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says…"the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy’s!" The mom says…"the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

  • The Petting Zoo

    A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay. 

    At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?" 

    The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children he hadn’t noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk. 

    She said, "Where am I going to hide it?" 

    The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left. 

    She said, "But it stinks!" 

    The father replied, "Well, can’t you just hold his little nose?"