The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: father

  • The Pregnancy Test

    A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive.

    Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

    Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

    "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

    Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
    However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

    "You’ll do her again."

  • The 50th Wedding Anniversary

    A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

    "Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one . . . "Sorry I’m running late . . . had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present."

    "Not to worry," said the dad . . "The important thing is that we’re all together today."

    Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present . . . sorry."

    "It’s nothing," said the father, "glad you were able to be here."

    Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was busy packing….so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.

    Again, the father said, "I really don’t care. At least the five of us are together today."

    During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there’s something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well . . . your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other . . .never got around to getting married."

    The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we’re bastards?"

    "Yep," said the dad . . . "and cheap ones too!

  • Little Jacques

    Little Jacques was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up – – Fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

    Jacques was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

    Sometimes, if an offer’s really good he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Jacques aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said Jacques, "He is a Liberal MP, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids!"

  • The Navajo Elder’s Message to the Moon

    When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

    One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
    His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

    Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief.

    The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
    The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.
    So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

    Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

    "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."

  • Johnny and Jenny

    Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny."

    Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine"

    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won’t have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

    Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we’ve been lucky so far…"

    Mr. Smith doesn’t think the little shit is adorable anymore.

  • Father and Son Hunting

    A father and son went hunting together For the first time.

    The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET I’ll be across the field."

    A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

    "What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

    The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’…………..Well, I guess I JUST ……. PANICKED!"

  • Politics Explained

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

  • The Contemplative Husband

    A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What’s the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes, I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

    "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

    "I would have gotten out today."

  • Surrogate Fathering

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I’m off. The man should be here soon".
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I’ve come to ……"
    "Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies."
    "That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too — you can really spread out!"
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me."
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results."
    "My, that’s a lot of ……" gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure."
    "Don’t I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
    "Oh, my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well — when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um… equipment?"
    "That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
    "Tripod??"
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? — Good Lord, she’s fainted!"

  • Daddy’s Little Girl

    A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

    "They’re mating," her father replied.

    "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

    "That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

    "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

    "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs,"

    The little girl thought for a moment — then took her foot and stomped them flat.

    "Well, we’re not having any of that shit in our garden."