"G’day mate, Aussie Helpline… What’s the problem, cobber?"
"I’m in Darwin with my sheila, and she’s been stung on her pussy by a wasp, and now it has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn’t thought of that, Bye."
Tag: problem
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Debbie Jones
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?"
The mother says, "It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, – "Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can’t be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man, I’m still a virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it this time!"
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Bill Clinton and the Pope
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?"
The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There’s one thing up there I have been looking forward to."
Bill asks, "What is that?"
The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary."
Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."
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Crows
Who said that crows were smart.
I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Halifax , and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
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Close Shave
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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Where did “Piss Poor” come from?
This is mostly bunkum but it makes for a good read.
_________________________________________ Where did "piss poor" come from?
If you’re young and hip, this is still interesting.
Us older people need to learn something new every day…
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery…
If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot…
They "didn’t have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500’s
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It’s raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
And guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, hence the custom; “holding a wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had ben burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell" or was considered "a dead ringer."
And that’s the truth 😉
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Jack Visits the Doctor
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
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Young New Doctor
A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"
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Profane Parrot
An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn’t be a problem, that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It’s goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! The next day, she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner offered the following solution, "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder." So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure enough,just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It’s goddamned cold in here!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times, and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fucking windy too!"
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The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
21. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
22. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
23. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
24. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
25. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
26. The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.