The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: problem

  • The Wealthy Lawyer

    One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

    "We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied.

    "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

    "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

    "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

    "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

    "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

    They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

  • George Bush in Hell

    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

    ‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘you’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. ‘I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you’ll have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’

    George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. such was his fate in Hell.

    ‘No!’ George shouted. ‘I don’t think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long’.

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time..

    ‘No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if  all I could do was breaks rocks all day’, commented George.

    The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the  floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said: ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’

    The Devil smiled and said ‘Ok, Monica, you’re free to go!’

  • Acme Costume Company

    A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

    A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate saying "Where be the treasure?" 😉

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which  says:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume Co.

    Now the man is really upset since they have gone from  emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he  writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

    Dear Sir,

    Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

    Very truly yours,
    Acme Costume  Co.

  • 50 Acres in Alaska

    Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

    "Name’ s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5 O’clock."

    "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’."

    "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em".

    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too."

    "Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again."

    "More’n likely be some wild sex, too,"

    "Now that’s really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

  • Dear Walter

    Dear Walter:


    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a  halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.

    When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
     
    I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn’t find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he  broke down and admitted that he’d been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.


    He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can  get through to him anymore. Can you please help?


    Sincerely,
    Norma

    Dear Norma:


    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.


    Walter

  • Robot Golf Caddies

    A man wants to play golf and approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie,"

    The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today"

    The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

    The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

    The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn’t end there His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"

    The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week" A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please"

    The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn’t their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

    The golfer said, "So then why didn’t you just paint them black?"

    The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of ’em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop"

  • An Innovative Doctor

    A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

    The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?

    The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"

  • The Permanent Erection

    A man comes into a pharmacy and asks the female attendant whether there was a male pharmacist he could talk to.

    The woman says that she’s a pharmacist and owned the store along with her sister so there was no male pharmacist available. However, she adds, she was a professional and he could talk over with her any problem he might have assuring him that it would be treated with absolute confidentiality.

    The man says: "Well this is difficult for me to talk about but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I want to know what you could give me for it."

    The pharmacist says: "Excuse me a minute. I’m just going to discuss this with my sister."

    She disappears and comes back saying: "We discussed it at length and the best we can come up with is 1/3 ownership of the store, a company car, free room and board and $2,000 a month living expenses."

  • The Green Spots

    A woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ….. a green spot on the inside of each.

    They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

    The doctor says he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

    A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. It’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots?

    The doctor says, "You’re perfectly healthy there’s no problem. But I’m wondering.. is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

    The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

    "Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold."

  • Peanuts

    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

    The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?"

    The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law".