The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: problem

  • QANTAS Gripe Sheet

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    (P = The problem logged by the pilot)
    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That’s what they’re there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you’re right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.

  • Telecom Call Centre

    This is apparently a true story which happened in the Telecom Call Centre in Lower Hutt (just north of Wellington, New Zealand). The operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance.

    The call went like this:

    Telecom: How may we help you?

    Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

    Telecom: Okay sir, and how can we help you with this?

    Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman but I never heard off her before. I need to trace these calls please.

    Telecom: Sir, I’m sorry but the bill won’t actually tell you the name of the person you’re calling, just their number.

    Customer: This one iss.

    Telecom: What phone do you have sir?

    Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

    Telecom: No sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

    Customer: An erection.

    After a moment’s silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued:

    Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

    Customer: For sure – E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.

    Another moment’s silence from Telecom and suddenly the penny dropped.

    Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

    Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A…R. Salulah.

    The end of the conversation was unfortunately reported.

  • The New Zealand Sailor

    I need your help… I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Whangarei and my brother-in-law is an Australian living in Gisborne. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland, for a living. My only brother is serving a life sentence in prison for murder. I am in love with a Thai prostitute who solicits around the Auckland wharves. She says she loves me, but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry just as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn’t bother her at all. When I get out of the Navy, we will open a day-care centre in Hamilton and get my two sisters to work there, to keep the business in the family.

    My problem is this. I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

  • A Headache

    A guy visits his doctor complaining of a really sharp headache along the left side of his brain.

    "Hmmm," the doctor says, ruminating on the problem. "Let me ask you this – do you masturbate?"

    Somewhat taken aback the guy replies, "Uhhh, well . . . uhhh, yeah."

    The doctor grins and says, "It’s great, isn’t it!"

  • Rules for Men

    I’m not usually taken by these lists, but this one is an exception…

    Men

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
    20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
      "Yeah, baby, push it!"
      "C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
      "Another set and we can hit the showers."
      "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

  • The Deaf Dog

    My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

    He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

    At the register the druggist tells her "If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says "I’m not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says "If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says "I’m not using it on my legs either and if you must know I’m using it on my schnauzer."

    The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

  • The Bear and the Bunny

    A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit.

    The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have problem of shit sticking to you fur"?

    The bunny says "No"

    So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his arse.

  • Three Men Discussing Ageing

    Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that’s nothin’," said the 70-year-old.

    "When you’re seventy, you can’t even have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!"

    "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.

    "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

    "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement ?"

    "No, I go every morning at 6:30."

    With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?"

    The 80-year-old replied, "I don’t wake up until 7:00."

  • Three Salesmen

    Three salesmen are on the way home from a sales conference when their car suddenly packs in. They walk to the nearest roadside inn and decide there and then that they’ll all just stay there for the night.

    They walk up to the reception desk, and the first salesman says, "Three single rooms for the night, please."

    The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry sir, all that we have left is one king-size room with one king-size bed."

    "Okay," says the first salesman, "shall we all just share, in that case?"

    No-one else has any problem with that, so they all accept the room and go to bed, and, due to the tiring nature of that day’s conference, fall asleep straight away.

    The next morning they all wake up together.

    "Oh my God!" screams the first one. "I’m so fucking embarrassed…I dreamt i was being jerked off by this gorgeous woman, and I’ve actually come in the bed!"

    The third guy, over on the other side of the bed, pipes up too. "Me as well! I had that same dream, and I’ve gone all over the place too!" Turning to the guy in the middle, he looks at him and asks "What about you? Surely all 3 of us couldn’t have had the same dream?"

    "Oh no, " declares the guy in the middle. "I had a nice dream that I was skiing…"

  • Sadly, Dave was Born without Ears

    Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

    One day, he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

    The first guy was great.

    He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting.

    But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    "Why, yes, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

    Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

    The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

    But Dave asked her the same question:

    "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

    Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

    The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA.

    He was smart.

    He was handsome. He seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

    Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

    "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?"

    Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

    "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

    The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"