The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: problem

  • Texas

    May 30th

    Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

    June 14th

    Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

    June 30th

    Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    July 10th

    The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

    July 15th

    Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

    July 20th

    I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

    July 25th

    Dry God Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

    July 30th

    Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

    Aug 4th

    One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fuckin’ state.

    Aug 8th

    If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I’m going to tear his Fucking throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted FUCKING Garfield!

    Aug 10th

    The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to fuck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the fucking pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat. What the Fuck!?

    Aug 14th

    Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fucking windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

    Aug 30th

    Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.

  • The Penguin

    Once there was a penguin on his way to Arizona for a holiday. On his way, he noticed that his car had high oil pressure so he stopped to see what the problem was. On realising that his car had an oil leak he pulls into the next town to a garage. While it is being fixed he decides to look around the town. Being a penguin, he decides that a nice cold ice-cream could be good but not having any hands he gets himself into quite a mess trying to eat it with his little flippers. When he goes back to the garage to pick up his car, he asks the mechanic "What’s the problem?" The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

    "Oh, no, no," the penguin replies looking embarrassed, "That’s just ice-cream".

  • The Pig

    A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right.

    "I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a pig!"

    "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

    "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

    "But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me!"

    "Never mind," says the boss. "There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

    "Okay, boss."

    Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What’s the problem, son?"

    "Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck."

    "What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

    "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."