The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: problem

  • A Bed Wetting Solution

    This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

    He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

  • Observations on a Female Driver

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and abused the woman.
    "Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
    I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:
    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day.
    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
    That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
    Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.
    In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.
    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.
    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.
    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.
    According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.
    Piss one off?
    …I think not.

  • The Tasmanian Couple

    After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.

    He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    "4"
    "5"

    …at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in New Zealand and some southern states of the USA.

  • A Computer Error

    Young Joanne, the editor of a Yorkie publication, was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Joanne called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
    He replied: "It was an ID ten T error."
    A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne’s face. "An ID ten T error?
    What’s that … in case I need to fix it again??"
    He gave her a grin… "Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
    "No," replied Joanne.
    "Write it down," he said, "and I think you’ll figure it out."
    (She wrote…) I D 1 0 T

  • The Headache

    Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
    After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
    He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit."
    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see… size 44 long."
    Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck."
    Joe was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
    Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, "Let’s see…9 and a half wide."
    Joe was astonished, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job." 
    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
    Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, "Let’s see. . . 7 5/8."
    Joe was incredulous, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
    Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, "Let’s see… size 36."
    Joe laughed, "No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
    The salesman shook his head and said, "You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

  • Tech Support

    Dear Tech Support (LAPTOP SERVICES PTY LTD)

    I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure.

    In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5 and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected.

    Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.

    I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn’t work on this program. Can you please help.

    Joe.

    Dear Joe,

    This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT program, whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything. You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

    Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees).

    Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:/APOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the Esc-Key. It may be necessary to run C:/APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

    Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as FLOWERS 2.0 and chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install SECRETARY (Short Skirt Version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

    Best of luck.

    Tech Support. 

  • A British Army Colonel

    A British Army Colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
    One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
    "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
    A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. 
    "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
    A few months later, same guy, same problem.
    The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven’t we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
    "Then what’s his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
    The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It’s you he’s fond of."

  • The Short Lady

    A VERY short lady goes to her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

    "Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

    "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it."

    Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. "Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please you have to help me!"

    "Well, let’s have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

    "Oh, yes, I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am this won’t hurt a bit."

    The short lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma’am, try that."

    She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That’s great, Doc, what did you do?!"

    To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your Wellington boots."

  • The Starter’s Pistol

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself."

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter’s pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. Much to his delight, he discovers his wife is in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. The man, moments later, feels the building urge to unload. In order to startle himself, he fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    "Not so good, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my cock and the mailman came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

  • Rules that Guys Wish Girls Knew

    1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 
    2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down. 
    3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 
    4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 
    5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear. 
    6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 
    7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 
    8. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 
    9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 
    10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 
    11. You have enough clothes. 
    12. You have too many shoes. 
    13. Crying is blackmail. 
    14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 
    15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 
    16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 
    17. Yes, urinating standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 
    18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 
    19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 
    20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 
    21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 
    22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 
    23. Check your oil. 
    24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 
    25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 
    26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 
    27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 
    28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 
    29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 
    30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 
    31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out. 
    32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 
    33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 
    34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 
    35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 
    36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 
    37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 
    38. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a colour. 
    39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 
    40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 
    41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 
    42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 
    43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 
    44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
    45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her,together. 
    46. What the hell is a doily?